Letter #52 - When You Feel Too Much

To the reader in you,

So I jumped straight from finishing a book to writing this. Because I realised something strange that I hadn’t ever noticed before. I’ve written about my love of books and stories and the hopefulness of it all, but today I realised there’s something else in the mix. The right story at the right time can fix a lot. 

But first, some context. I’m a pro when it comes to compartmentalising. Everything has its box and its time and its place. You put the feelings away and if they’re important, you deal with them and then go on your merry way. That’s what I do, at least. But I was reading today and I started to feel, not sad, but sort of wistful. There wasn’t really anything that I was thinking of or anything that triggered it. Or so I thought.

It was the book I was reading. It was the story and the experiences of the characters, that led me back into my head and sifting through all those locked boxes that exist there. Until I found the one that made me feel what I was feeling. And so here I am, in this weird mood, that hasn’t been triggered by the present, but by a past moment, long forgotten but never dealt with.

It made me think, maybe a little too much, but it’s what I needed. Fiction is important, especially to people like me, who hold things a little too tightly and who try to bounce back a little too quickly. Because in those moments of reading someone else’s story, we catch a glimpse of ourselves that we get to address in the privacy of our own head alongside our imagination and the two can meld together in that weird way that dreams do. When you’re asleep but you know you’re dreaming but then the dream just gets strange and trippy. 

We can address it for as long or as little as we like and at the end of the day, no one but us has changed and that makes it all feel slightly less big. I don’t even know if any of this makes sense to anyone outside myself. But just incase it does, here I am, saying I get it and if the only way you can dwell on your own life is after reading about someone else’s, then do it! 

I think that’s a big part of why I started writing stories. To make sense of the things I was feeling when I was feeling them. And then when I would stop writing, too busy with life, I’d find myself floundering, my head barely above water, because I wasn’t letting it out. And usually if I was too busy to write, then I was too busy to read! And that’s a vicious cycle. 

So I guess my realisation isn’t too earth-shattering, but finding that thing that lets you out of the confines of your head is always a good thing and it should be cherished for what it is. Especially if you’re private with your thoughts and feeling and try to lock them away. We all need something that saves us from imploding and for me, that’s words on a page. 

What saves you from that? What is the one thing that you can always fall back on to help you think about your life and release you from the stresses that you keep hidden away from everyone else? I’d love to know. It feeds the inquisitive (nosy) people-watcher in me!

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z

Letter #51 - Patience is Power

To everyone, at any stage in life,

I’ve been thinking about my life a lot recently, about how I’ve gotten to where I am and the various detours that the universe threw my way. I think I’m at my most self-aware but confident in that self, than I’ve been since I was a teenager I think. A big part of that has been patience and practicing it daily. 

Patience is this virtue, up on a pedestal, and I think that that can make it so inaccessible when people need it most. When someone says they aren’t a patient person, generally I’ve found that that means they haven’t learnt how to be. Patience is on par with self-control. And in civilised society, the majority of people have self-control. For example, we don’t go running into stores and stealing everything we want; instead we have the patience and control to get to a point where we can fund our purchases. We don’t walk out of meetings that aren’t going our way or lash out when we dislike something. So we have indeed got control and one step up from self-control is patience. Or at least that’s how I see it.

It makes the act and even the art of patience slightly more understandable. It isn’t a virtue that only the best of people can obtain. It is like any other ability. We practice until we’ve gotten better at it. It’s like a muscle that needs to be worked.

For me, this was a daily practice. I love my lists and so I would list the things that would make my life amazing if I had them/could achieve them. Then I would state what I had done that day to work towards that aim. If I hadn’t done anything, then I knew where I was going wrong and it was usually then that my patience would wain. But seeing it on paper would help.

 

If I hadn’t worked on that goal, how could I expect it to magically manifest?? Whenever I was working towards something, I felt patient because I knew I was putting something in and as a result, eventually I would get something out of it too. Soon the practice of patience became almost second nature and I could judge how I was feeling based on how patient and grateful I was on any given day. 

Seeing the way my life is in this present moment, has made me really appreciate patience. There are things I’ve been working on or hoping for, for close to a decade and only now can I see the results coming to life. Even now, they aren’t the finished results and I’ve got a long way to go with the things I’m trying to perfect or achieve. But I keep marvelling at time and how it passes when you have the patience to just let it happen.

If it wasn’t for those patient moments that I cultivated and learnt to master, I would have given up on some things a long long time ago. But doing so, wouldn’t have taken me to a better place, or rather not a place that I would have wanted to be in.

So I’m incredibly grateful to everyone who told me to be patient (basically my mum...constantly). Life ebbs and flows and if you’re in a moment where it’s not really flowing your way, keep going and be patient that your hard work will pay off.

It really helps when we think of how long our lives could be. Thinking of that always grounded me. There’s so many more years ahead, hopefully, so if you’re not there yet, doesn’t mean you never will be.

But none of that means that I don’t have my moments! I have many many moments where I just cannot be in a positive and patient place. I want to whine and have a bit of a rant. But all of that is fine! You don’t need to be saintly to practice patience. All it does is give you a bit more power in your life. All it means is that you don’t spend every moment looking to a non-existent future, while forgetting the present in which you need to work to make it a reality.

I just work on not letting the bad moments consume my day or my life, like I used to. I need to give an honorary mention to Gary Vaynerchuk, who preaches so much positivity that you can’t help but take it on board! And another mention to the friend who introduced me to my first Gary Vee video that started this whole thing. You started an upward spiral that just makes me more self-aware.

Anyway, clearly I missed blogging because this post got away from me entirely! Enjoy this nearly 1000 word post and I hope you can find a way to cultivate a bit of patience into your life. Those bad little things, once they stop seeming like the end of the world, everything opens up, the good things become great and the bad things don’t seem as world-crushing.

Do you have any practices that work for you? Things that make the day better when it’s awful, or ways to just change your perspective?

Until next time, be inspired...

Z 

Letter #50 - Take The Power Away From Your Fears

To anyone who wants to take control of their fears,

Whenever I’m having an off day, when I’m feeling out of sorts, there’s usually a root cause or a stressor that I haven’t yet put my finger on. So instead, I just feel wrong for a couple days until I figure it out. It’s like for those two or three days, I’m just waking from a dream and I can’t wake fast enough to catch the dream before I forget it. Like that, my thoughts can run away faster than I can keep track of them. If I can’t keep track of them, I can’t get to the problem.

Now there’s nothing wrong with having an off day; I don’t think it’s humanly possible not to, but there are sometimes times when I can’t afford to have an off day. Say I’ve got a really important work project or an exam, and I’m too busy getting caught up in feeling bad to focus and yet, focus is the only thing I need in those moments. Well, when that happens, I’ve always needed to get out of my head and fix the problem quickly so it can’t bother me for the time being.

I had to go through a lot of trial and error over the years, but I figured out what works for me and I’ve had others try it too and so far, I’ve not had any complaints. It’s nothing groundbreaking, but it is a comforting little practice.

I just make a list, brain-dumping everything that’s worrying me onto a piece of paper. Now, I’m all for the digital age, but for this to work properly, you need use put actual pen to a literal sheet of paper and not just type it out. All my anxieties, fears, uncertainty, I get it all out and onto the paper. I got through things systematically; I’ll start with things in my professional life, like deadlines or difficult work, then move onto my personal life and my relationships before finally listing my personal feelings and thoughts about myself. I get it all out of my head and in front of me.

Now this is where the therapy begins.

There are three ways of doing this, that I use at least. The first is to take that list of fears and rip it to shreds. I’ll tear it into tiny tiny pieces until it resembles confetti, and then likes symbolic of how those thoughts and fears are gone, for the time being at least. The physical act of the ripping helps a lot as it feels like I’ve destroyed the ideas on that piece of paper.

The next alternative that soothes the child in me is to take that sheet of paper to a sink and set fire to it. This is go to method, just because it feels the more freeing to me when I can see the negativity literally go up in flames. It is no longer something to concern myself with.

The last option is a great one too. This is a much calmer method but no less powerful. This method works best if you’ve used an ink/fountain pen to write your list. Biro will not have the same effect. You get a bowl of water, and you place the paper into the water. With an ink pen, you’ll be able to see the ink leaking and floating away, just like the words that make up your fears and problems. You can see them dissolve away and it’s a release. 

All three methods are a release and maybe there’s other way that you can come up with, but the essence of the practice is that it frees your mind up by drawing out the negativity and admitting it. It’s also easier to admit to a sheet of paper, in private, if you then know that you’re destroying that paper. There’s less vulnerability or concern that someone might find the paper and your sensitive thoughts. Trust me, it’s much easier that you think it might be.

In the end, you might not even find the cause of your off day, but you’ll feel somewhat lighter either way and that’ll go a long way in helping you to feel more like yourself much quicker. At least, it does for me.

So I hope this helps, and that if you’re in need of it, you can give it a try and find some level of satisfaction in destroying your fears.

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #49 - Don’t Let Expectations Hold You Prisoner

To anyone who needs a reminder,

So this post was meant to be up yesterday, since I’m doing this whole ‘every day in May’ thing, but while that was what was expected of me, by myself, it doesn’t mean it actually happened.

Instead, I worried about what to write about and faced a bit of a drought. The last 8 days have gone pretty well, even though I could feel myself petering out of the flow, every day. I started the month so prepared, with 4 posts ready and waiting before the first of the month even arrived. And they were all pretty long, substantial posts of close to 1000 words. It still wasn’t meeting my expeditions however, as I had also hoped to have photos to go with each post. I had to give up that idea pretty quickly but it wasn’t the end of the world and I just powered through with creating a backlog of posts for the month, and for the days that would get too hectic. This is much easier said than done.

The next expectation I had give up was that I would have each post up by 11am every day. The first couple of days I even managed 10am! But for me and how I’m living right now, it isn’t always sustainable. Sometimes things come up, people need help or favours that I have agreed to. And then there’s the everyday monotony that has to be contended with. The things that just need to get done, like feeding myself or hanging out with my brother in the evenings. These things can’t be moved around and I wouldn’t want them to be, so I have to instead move around my posts as they are more flexible to me, as a priority. My last few posts were pretty close to the end of the day, because I had literally written them half an hour before hitting publish at 11pm. But I still got it done and that was something that I was content with.

This last expectation is one that I really really wanted to follow through on for the entire month; to post every day was important to me as an experiment to myself that I could do it. And as of last night, that expectation is also one I haven’t met. I couldn’t even force it last night. It’s not that I didn’t have a single second to try. I mean I got into bed at 10pm, I had time there to try to bash something out but I was so so done with the day. I needed the day to be over and that meant sleeping it off. Even as I slept though, my mind wanted to get someone out. I literally dreamt I was writing this post and then woke up around 3am really confused and way too warm. It just wasn’t meant to be.

I came to the realisation this morning that I can’t force content out of thin air. My thoughts and opinions come from my life. They come about as a response to things I’ve seen or overheard, or ideas that have occurred to me over time. I can’t just pick a topic and decide to waffle on (as much as I love waffling, it doesn’t always work!). While I’ve been writing this week, I haven’t been doing a lot else for leisure. I haven’t been reading blogs, or listening to podcasts or even music or doing anything simply for the joy of it. I’ve been doing things out of an expectation that I should be doing them. That’s not fair to me and it’s not sustainable, in the way that I function best.

But at least I’ve allowed myself to notice that having expectations can work for some, but be a source of stress for others. I can’t expect each day to match the last or be better than it. Everything can’t always be great and that’s okay. It’s all survivable and manageable and in the end, it’s not like my world has exploded as a result of it. I have the luxury of that lack of urgency at least. I need to remember to be grateful for that.

That’s all from me, but hopefully you can be expecting another post from me before the day is out. That’s an expectation I’m happy to work towards! 

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #48 - Having A Non-Routine Routine

To anyone without the organisation gene,

I feel like among the people I know, I’m in the minority when it comes to my take on organisation and routine. I’m of the view that “organised chaos” is a thing and it is a fairly acceptable means of organisation, if it work for you. 

For me, it does. If my desk is a mess, I will still know where to find things in that mess, because I remember putting them there. If someone comes and tidies my room without me knowing, to me that is a mess, because I can’t find what I need when I need it. In the same way, when it comes to routine, some people need to have a strict timeline that they follow, which is the only way they get anything done. Planners are used to their full extent and timing are obeyed down to the minute. That’s absolutely great, if you can manage that.

I cannot. 

For me, a routine is pretty non-existent. I don’t and can’t do things at set times. If I tried, something would get in the way and I would fail; this would bother me more than just not setting a timeline in the first place. I can’t fail when I haven’t got it on my radar in the first place. However, while I don’t restrict myself to times, I do still have daily goals or aims. Things that I hope to do before the day is out. Like writing for this blog.

This month, I’ve been waking up knowing that I’m going to get one post done every day. I just don’t know when that may be. It might be that, as soon as I wake up, I open google docs and bash something out. But alternatively, I may not have anything to say until 9pm, and then the post is later. But it is still completed and to me, that’s the most important part.

Of course, if there are deadlines and responsibility to adhere to, I won’t neglect them. I’ll just give myself enough time and enough days to do the work without forcing a restrictive timeline on myself.

I’m a big believer in breaking up the day to stay focused. Even if I could get 4 short tasks done in one sitting, this might mean that after that point, I get bored and demotivated, and then the rest of the day is lost. But if I use those shorter, easier tasks as breaks between longer, more difficult things, then I get more satisfaction and feel more productive. This is great, because I end my days feeling better about myself.

I suppose all I want to say on this topic is that your idea of a routine doesn’t have to match someone else’s, and for a long time, I would feel bad for not being as excessively organised as some people. Eventually I had to just develop a respect for myself and my personality and understand that when it comes to routine, I need a more open path than others. I’m more laidback as a person, and I think that reflects in my needs in  day to day life. I’m also annoying late, but that’s a story for another day!

So if you’re super organised, I would love to pick your brain as to how you manage it; if you’re not, then you do you and don’t put pressure on yourself to be someone you’re not.

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #47 - Being a Work-In-Progress

To anyone who feels incomplete,

I was thinking about being complete, the other day. When we think of our futures, don’t most of us think that at some point we’ll be done, settled and our lives will be complete? There’s this idea that you’re doing to reach a point where you don’t need to do or be more. I know when I was young, I thought that 40 was the end of the road, and that I had to complete everything on my bucket list by then or else life would have been pointless. Saying that now, it just seems silly yet at the same time, a part of me has those worries.

I look at myself at 24, and this is not what I pictured for myself but it’s not a bad life and I’m still working towards the things I pictured. But I am very much a work in progress. I’m not finished with my goals, not by a long shot! I can see myself having to be a work in progress for the rest of my life and I’ve only just now thought of how that’s entirely okay. 

To me, being a work in progress means having new ideas and making changes in your life, because if you stay still for too long, that doesn’t necessarily make you complete, more likely just unfinished. And I don’t ever want to be unfinished.

I think that trying new things, travelling, working, exploring yourself and your life, all lead to self improvement and that’s progress in a positive direction. It’s progress that you can always work on and work towards. As long as I’m trying to achieve something, or better myself, I’m going to keep moving forward toward that feeling of “being complete”. Yet, I will never be complete until I decide that I am.

Life isn’t still - if it was, it’d be really boring - and so doing things and having goals is what makes life interesting. It’s what gives life life. With this idea, being a work in progress, being incomplete in your life’s journey is part of the fun. If we stress less about what hasn’t happened and instead see it as things to look forward to, things that are going to happen at some point, then life would be so much more fun. It would be an adventure.

So that’s the conclusion I’ve come to; I’m fine with being a work in progress until I decide that I’m done and that feeling of contentment and decision will be when I’m complete. That’s totally fine with me. It will be my choice and on my terms, without some imagined finish line that has to match anyone else’s.

I hope that you can join me in seeing life this way, with an excitement for the unfinished nature of life and all the adventures that are yet to come.

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #46 - Podcasts as a Pick-Me-Up

To anyone wanting to start their week on a high,

It’s Sunday and for me, Sundays vary from lazy days to hyper-productive organisation days. The one thing that I can always find in my Sunday routine is listening to a podcast, or three.

Podcasts have become my recent obsession, especially the really chatty informal kind. They’re such easy listening and it can feel like I’m consuming knowledge without actually having to do anything. I can actually multitask and there’s this feeling of productivity throughout.

So here are a few of my favourites.

Love stories with Dolly Alderton

Now this podcast, by writer and journalist Dolly Alderton, is amazing! She interviews guests about the loves that made them who they are. Each episode has the same standard questions but Dolly has such a knack for getting deeper into the story of each guest. She dives right into their lives and finds such interesting stories and meaning within those stories. One of my favourite episodes is the very first one, with actress Vanessa Kirby. The two were university friends and that is exactly what t sounds like. A friendly chat and a catch up. It’s the best thing to listen to with a cup of tea at the end the day.

Ctrl, Alt, Delete - Emma Gannon

Now I don’t think there’s anyone who hasn’t heard of Emma Gannon’s podcast, which stemmed in a book of the same name. She discusses the work that her guests do and how they navigate social media in this technological age. It’s the kind of podcast that pumps you up to do something after listening to it. They have such intelligent, considered conversations about creative work and the various industries that the guest are in. She had great guest as well, from Elizabeth Gilbert, to Ava Duverney and Lena Dunham. As someone who wants to write for a living at some point, it’s such a fantastic way to devour any and all knowledge these guests have to impart about their own experiences.

Armchair Expert - Dax Shepard

So this podcast is one that I just happened upon, in my love of Kristen Bell and all that she does. This is her husband, Dax Shepard’s podcast. Again, with great guests! This has made the list for what it stands for. He interviews people about their “why”. Why did you get into this career? Why did your personality develop this way? Why did you choose this path? He’s so interested in getting to the bottom of the human condition and of gaining a deep understanding of his guests. After each episodes, I genuinely feel slightly more emotionally intelligent. And that’s never a bad thing! 

One Girl Band

This is a super helpful podcast, with a mix of shorter discussions on a topic, surrounding creativity, being in a creative industry and freelancing, and longer guest orientated discussions. The founder is Lola Hoad, who has created a space for female entrepreneurs and creatives to support each other. It's literally a pep talk! I like that there is that variety, because I won’t always have the time to listen to a full 50+ minutes podcast but the shorter 20 minute ones are perfect for when I need a boost of motivation or to get some inspiration. The discussions tend to be about working from home and the struggles and joys of such work. The guests are usually bloggers or people who work social media related industries, so it’s a really useful and informative podcast, where I come away learning a lot.


These are just a tiny handful of the amazing content out there, so even if none of these take your fancy, go and search for some podcasts that you will love. And it can take a while to warm up to it, if you’re not someone who likes having to focus on sound without a video attached to it! But if can lead to some really valuable content and if not, there’s plenty of podcasts that are much more story focused and episodic.

Now excuse me, while I go and catch up on the latest episode of Love Stories.

Until next time, be inspired...

Z