Letter #50 - Take The Power Away From Your Fears

To anyone who wants to take control of their fears,

Whenever I’m having an off day, when I’m feeling out of sorts, there’s usually a root cause or a stressor that I haven’t yet put my finger on. So instead, I just feel wrong for a couple days until I figure it out. It’s like for those two or three days, I’m just waking from a dream and I can’t wake fast enough to catch the dream before I forget it. Like that, my thoughts can run away faster than I can keep track of them. If I can’t keep track of them, I can’t get to the problem.

Now there’s nothing wrong with having an off day; I don’t think it’s humanly possible not to, but there are sometimes times when I can’t afford to have an off day. Say I’ve got a really important work project or an exam, and I’m too busy getting caught up in feeling bad to focus and yet, focus is the only thing I need in those moments. Well, when that happens, I’ve always needed to get out of my head and fix the problem quickly so it can’t bother me for the time being.

I had to go through a lot of trial and error over the years, but I figured out what works for me and I’ve had others try it too and so far, I’ve not had any complaints. It’s nothing groundbreaking, but it is a comforting little practice.

I just make a list, brain-dumping everything that’s worrying me onto a piece of paper. Now, I’m all for the digital age, but for this to work properly, you need use put actual pen to a literal sheet of paper and not just type it out. All my anxieties, fears, uncertainty, I get it all out and onto the paper. I got through things systematically; I’ll start with things in my professional life, like deadlines or difficult work, then move onto my personal life and my relationships before finally listing my personal feelings and thoughts about myself. I get it all out of my head and in front of me.

Now this is where the therapy begins.

There are three ways of doing this, that I use at least. The first is to take that list of fears and rip it to shreds. I’ll tear it into tiny tiny pieces until it resembles confetti, and then likes symbolic of how those thoughts and fears are gone, for the time being at least. The physical act of the ripping helps a lot as it feels like I’ve destroyed the ideas on that piece of paper.

The next alternative that soothes the child in me is to take that sheet of paper to a sink and set fire to it. This is go to method, just because it feels the more freeing to me when I can see the negativity literally go up in flames. It is no longer something to concern myself with.

The last option is a great one too. This is a much calmer method but no less powerful. This method works best if you’ve used an ink/fountain pen to write your list. Biro will not have the same effect. You get a bowl of water, and you place the paper into the water. With an ink pen, you’ll be able to see the ink leaking and floating away, just like the words that make up your fears and problems. You can see them dissolve away and it’s a release. 

All three methods are a release and maybe there’s other way that you can come up with, but the essence of the practice is that it frees your mind up by drawing out the negativity and admitting it. It’s also easier to admit to a sheet of paper, in private, if you then know that you’re destroying that paper. There’s less vulnerability or concern that someone might find the paper and your sensitive thoughts. Trust me, it’s much easier that you think it might be.

In the end, you might not even find the cause of your off day, but you’ll feel somewhat lighter either way and that’ll go a long way in helping you to feel more like yourself much quicker. At least, it does for me.

So I hope this helps, and that if you’re in need of it, you can give it a try and find some level of satisfaction in destroying your fears.

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #44 - Kindness is Taught

To literally everyone...ever,

Being a decent person seems like a given. We all think of it as something that is innate and simple and understandable to everyone. I always thought so. I wish that was the case. But I have observed so many moments, where people who I have witnessed being kind, good people, have surprised me with such specific cruelty that I've had to do a double take.

It's led me to the conclusion that ultimately kindness has to be taught and in turn, rude and disrespectful behaviour is also taught and learned. I don't think I'm saying anything groundbreaking here but I feel like saying it might make any who read this stop and assess themselves. I'm not thinking of a particular person or situation but just decency as a whole. 

I remember having a discussion with some friends long ago, and we were complaining about house chores for some reason that escapes me and then someone said they would just hire a maid to deal with whatever mess they made. Another friend then replied that they agreed with the idea of hiring help, but "I'd want them to be a part of the family. I wouldn't want them to do anything that I wouldn't dare do myself. You've got to remember that whoever you may hire will be someone's parent, child, or sibling. I'd want to treat them with the same respect I'd want someone to give to my family." That is the kind of decency I'm talking about. After that one conversation, I did not think I could have more respect for that person and yet it grew.

We all hope and try to be good people. I don't ever want to be in such a cynical place that I believe people are innately bad, first and foremost. However, I think that those moments where you're having a bad day or something has gone wrong and you still hold back from taking it out on another person, those are the moments we should aspire to. Those should be our defining qualities.

I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I try to see things from their point of view. Why are they like that? What made them into that person? I can totally understand that sometimes people are a product of their environments and that a harsh atmosphere can breed a harsher individual.

But the part that grates me is that the actions of such an individual can take a toll on those around them. They can hurt people with their words and actions and I feel like hurt sticks around a whole while longer than anger or frustration or any number of things that caused their harshness.

So if I hope for one thing today, it’s that we hold on to the kindest parts that we can be, because it might just be the thing that makes or breaks someone’s day. I think it’s a worthwhile reminder to have.

Until next time, be inspired...

Z  

Letter #41 - Taking a Moment for Positivity

To anyone who takes the time to read,

I've been absent from this site for far longer than I planned and I can't really explain it other than to say I had to go through a bit of a mindset adjustment.

I went from a place of pathetic wallowing for the first half of last year to then finding a kind of “peace” from which amazing things happened. Like bucket list things! Okay, maybe just one thing... but that’s one more than there would have been, had I not had a change to my thinking.

If I’m honest, I love a pity party at times. There’s moments where it is absolutely allowed, when things just categorically suck, but then sometimes it’s really not as bad as you think. This blog was never meant to be a place for my negativity but instead a way for accountability and growing out of such feelings. Easier said than done, clearly.

I can only assume that that past year was my “quarter life crisis”, my ungrateful millennial phase, but I don't know if it was. I know that at some point, I got tired before my time. I got tired of trying and putting everything in to my ideas and dreams and whimsies. I got tired and I got afraid. (I can literally hear your eye rolling, but bear with me!) But beyond the fear and the apathy, was a deep need to accomplish. But it was also not something that seemed to come into existence in the way in which I had hoped it would.

So all I could do was figure out a change that needed to be made or remain stagnant. I chose change. 

I remember being younger, and asked if I was an optimist or a pessimist. Without even taking a moment to think, I blurted out “pessimist”, to the surprise of my teachers. A 10 year old is not meant to be pessimistic, it seemed. But for years, I said that it was just my nature. To worry and plan and hold my breath for the moment things went wrong. Because to me, the glass was always half empty and I was just waiting for everyone else to realise that. To say I was a worrier would be an understatement. 

I was always surprised when things would go my way, from good grades to things I was trying to achieve in my personal life. Because there was always a part of me that held my breath and went into everything thinking it wouldn’t work out.

But then when the disappointing thing happened last year, I expected it. I had a little cry and then I shrugged. Realistically I hadn’t expected it to happen. I was still holding my breath. Until my mum noticed that my negative thinking as always been a dark cloud over everything I do. That I have the potential to achieve the things I want, but that if I can’t believe it for myself then why should anyone else take a chance on me? 

It made sense but what could I do? It was just my nature. My mother did not agree. She thought positive thinking was all I needed to work on. I had never put much faith in that. How could simple imagination make things happen? It seemed wishy washy and not at all something I should take seriously.

Now let's just say, at that point, I would try anything. It’s not like my way had worked. 

So I gave it another shot, this time changing my mindset. Now, it’s not really as easy as simply snapping my fingers. I had to force the change. I had to become aware of my thoughts and my feelings, and make an active effort to correct them when they went back to their ways of “it won’t happen”, and “this is dumb”.

I found that meditation helped; starting each day with a calm mind and thinking that I can and I will accomplish my tasks for that day. And when meditation didn’t work, I prayed on it. Between the two practices, I had my bases covered and it did make a difference.

I was actually excited to see how things panned out, instead of hesitant and having an expectation of disappointment from the get go. I tried, and I reminded myself that even if it didn’t work, what did I really have to lose? I still had my health, my family and friend and my home. I would only be “behind” on my own schedule. In the grand scheme of things, it would be a blip, not an explosion. 

 As if on cue, things started working out. I finished projects that were 10 years old, I got back into enjoying things that I had convinced myself were pointless failures and I achieved my ultimate goal... but that’s a story for another day!

This was just a little catch up on how positivity can truly make a difference. Not a magical difference, but one that affects your personality and our thoughts and in turn, your actions. I was proved wrong; there is nothing wishy-washy about it. So give it a try if you’re not the most hopeful person, and if you are, keep on doing what you do.

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #29 - What you know is up to you!

To anyone who is reading this,

I've been wracking my brains, forcing myself to produce content and I've hit a roadblock. There was a never a goal for this blog; I never had a plan as to how I would approach this task. I just wanted to write. And I enjoy writing and it's my favourite pastime but a lot of what I write is the just random internal musings. Before this blog, I had two novel ideas on the go and then I lost faith in my ability to write well enough.

This blog was supposed to be a place for me to keep writing without the pressure of having a finished product. Those novels are currently sitting gathering dust but I never forget about them. A huge part of why I stopped developing them was that I felt that I was too young. Too inexperienced. Couldn't possibly perceive the world. And I do see that when I read back over work that I wrote when I was 16 years old. But I also see a lot of insight and understanding about things that I hadn't experienced at the time.

It was always the phrase "write what you know" that got to me and allowed me to falter when I should have pushed on. I felt that the things that I "knew" where not interesting enough to write about and to create a story from. But then what do any of us know?

If we can only know what we have experienced then there is a lot that I shouldn't know and neither should you. But I think it comes down to the type of person that you are. This is totally just my opinion by the way.

I feel like there are two types of people in the world. There are those who need to live out every action and essentially make the mistakes that they can the learn from. They're the people who need to touch flames to believe that they will be burnt. Then there are those that can understand an idea, to a certain extent of course, and develop an opinion through what they know of that idea. They can logically put two and two together and always get four. These people don't need to experience something to know that it will be bad for them or for the situation.

It may sound boring and tentative but I know that I'm part of the latter half. I think it makes me a realist, rather than a sceptic. I've always had a way of understanding more than I should have at the time. I think that's what people mean when they say that  someone is an old soul. It simply means that they know more than their age dictates.

If I think back, my opinions at 16 were definitely not perfect and they were very black and white, with no room for the grey area. But even then, I did understand that the grey area existed and was important to some people. I just didn't think I was one of them.

Now if I look at myself, I am very much a believer of the importance of circumstance surrounding situations and as such, I proactively live in the grey area, with much fewer definitive opinions. To some, that alone is enough to say that clearly experience has had an effect on me and I have matured. I'd say they were right and wrong all at the same time.

My capacity for understanding was exactly the same; I still understood situations with the same level of thought back then as I do know. The difference is only in the fact that my values have developed.

This is a really convoluted post but I was basically just saying that if you're a little stuck in life, figure out which type of person you are and from there, you can figure out a course of action. Try it and let me know if it works for you!

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z

Letter #28 - Broken characters

Dear readers,

As with many of my posts, I don't know if there's going to be a point to this, but bear with me, and I guess we'll see if this makes any sense or has any relevance to life.

I'm drawn to broken people. Not necessarily in life but in fiction, in the things I read, and watch and understand. I root for the awful characters; the ones who have nothing going for them and are meant to be hated and taken against. And maybe just the ones who are sad and angry and fearful.

I am fascinated by it. The brokenness of humanity. Those sad characters, with their misplaced emotions and harsh exterior. They are the ones that need understanding, and I think I like that fact. I want to understand what made a person who they are. Generally what I've noticed is that those deeper acts are what makes a character. I suppose that's where the phrase "character building" comes from. The hardships we face make us, and shape us into who we are.

I've found that as I've grown, I have displaced that interest into reality. I define people by their brokenness and their hardships. With my friends and family alike, I can put the sadness in a person's life first when I think of them. As such, I define them by the things that they would rather not be defined by. But in my mind, that is simply the way things are.

This focus on the negative gives me a greater hold on reality though. I choose to see the bad to remind myself that it is out there and it would be naive not to be wary of it. It also allows me to be more understanding in the way I address the person. If I get irritated or aggravated by someone close to me, I have two responses; lashing out and confrontation, or passive aggression until it is out of my system. Neither one of those are healthy for me nor for my relationships. But now, when I focus on their brokenness, I can calm myself with the fact that they have their own stuff going on. This fact reminds me that we are all flawed and prone to falling. It reminds me to be kind and to understand.

By focusing on the darkness in someone's life, I allow myself to give them the benefit of the doubt and as such, I feel closer and kinder towards them. All of this takes place in my mind before anyone has to be affected by my thinking and as such, everyone around me can carry on with their blissful reality of life and our relationships.

I can have healthy relationships with my family and friends because I can acknowledge them as a whole, warts and all. It truly is a beautiful experience and you should all try it.

This post itself, started from a place of negativity and irritation and now, surprise surprise, I feel great and more at peace. And as such, I feel better about myself as a person and my capacity for tolerance.

So here's my challenge to you; try it for yourself! Empathise with someone who you would rather argue with. See the brokenness in a character in a book and try to take that into your real life and see the variety of brokenness around you. I promise you the perspective will make you feel great. (By the way, how great of a word is brokenness? I love it!)

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #26 - The Flaws Within

Dear readers,

So I think I've mentioned before, that I am very careful speaking about religion in general, so as not to offend anyone or overstep from the limited knowledge I hold. But it's Ramadan again and my spiritual side wants to pop out so I don't think I should stop it.

For those that don't know, Ramadan is the ninth month of the Islamic calendar, which follows the lunar sightings, and as such, moves back by around 20 days each year. It is a month where Muslims around the world keep a daytime fast between sunrise and sunset, withholding from food and drink as well as abstaining for all manner of wrongdoings. So right now, Ramadan has fallen on the longest days that I myself have ever had to fast. Here in England, the fasts are around 18 hours long, given the long summer days.

It is my favourite time of year, however. It is a time for reflection, peace and humility. By emptying your stomach of food, you can instead focus on feeding your soul and practising your faith in any manner that you can.

I've found that a lot of people who may not necessarily practice actively during the rest of the year, seem to find themselves, or a better version of themselves during this month. I try to be one of them. And that fact is where this post stemmed from.

I try. But as a month of reflection, I've already reflected upon some stark realisations about myself and maybe these will apply to you or someone you know.

I'm not as great of a Muslim, or person for that matter, as I would like to be. I do try all year round to practice and I don't just mean by praying or reading. It's not always the tangible physical evidence that counts, although I do try there as well. I mean, I try to have good intentions, keep good thoughts, limit my anger and impatience, try not to be judgemental and so on. I feel that overall those acts from within help your soul as much as the fasting and the praying. I think that I do the best job that I can at those aspects, because they are traits that require reflection.

If I've been in a bad mood during the day and snapped unnecessarily at others, I'll reflect on that and try to prevent it happening again. If I've sworn at someone, I'll immediately regret it and as a result, I will try not to swear again. The reflection and improvement as a result, I feel comes quite easily to me.

It's the more tangible acts of worship that I seem to struggle with. It is said that during the month of Ramadan, the devil has no power over any of us. It is a month where we are protected, and yet people still sin or act in a way in which they would rather not. I think this just highlights the flaws within us. That we are all tainted by the world and by temptation and our own selfishness. These are all difficult things to rid ourselves of, but Ramadan is a time to try.

To me, Ramadan has that same renewing quality that a new year does. And in the same way, that I make resolutions for the new year, I make resolutions for Ramadan. I try to achieve more than I did the year before and build upon what I have already done and where I am spiritually.

Knowing yourself is a gift. Once you know, then that knowledge is yours to use and in doing so, actively work towards what and who you would like to be. 

Ramadan, it seems to me, is the best time to get to know yourself. It is a time without distraction, and excess and all the other white noise that filters into our lives. In this way, I find that it is the best time to figure out who you are and who you want to be.

It provides us with a whole month of opportunity. Every day is a new day to be better than you were yesterday and I think whether you are a Muslim or not, this is something that we can all benefit from. Who doesn't want to improve upon their past selves or move forward to something better? That is all that Ramadan is; a chance to be better, a chance to find your potential and embrace it.

So when you get disheartened, or feel like your efforts are not enough, just remember there's always tomorrow and there's always another chance. Take it and make use of it to the fullest extent of your being.

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z

Letter #11 - Faith

Dear readers, 

I never speak much about faith or religion to anyone unless they specifically ask me. I find it's a personal topic and I'll give my opinion only if asked and not a moment before. Even when I am asked, I try to keep away from the technicalities and areas where I can be wrong, simply because of how delicate a topic it can be for some people.

If anyone is interested, I am Muslim. I practice to the best of my abilities and do what I can and generally try to be a good person. I think at the basis of most, if not all, religion or schools of thought, is how to be a good, decent human being. And sometimes I feel that that ethos gets forgotten in and amongst the differences and the specificity of religion.

I've always believed and been brought up to believe, that your faith is personal; it's exclusive to you and yes, there are a lot of others who can follow your faith and they may be doing many things right or wrong but that that should never be my concern. The moment you start judging is the moment that you are wrong. I do believe that there are some things that people do that are wrong and yet others may not see it that way, in the same way that I must be doing things that are wrong in their eyes. That's fine. We're all different and we're all free to make mistakes and to learn.

I'm quite surprised at myself for even writing this. I've always felt nervous about declaring my religion, not because I'm not proud - I really really am proud of my religion and my beliefs - but because there are always naysayers. Those of differing religions and even those who share my beliefs yet feel that I don't follow it in the way that they would like me to. It's small-mindedness that I get anxious about. I feel confident enough about that post simply because I know that there won't be too many people reading this and those that do are mainly my friends.

I think that the reason that I'm writing this now is because it is Ramadan right now, a holy month for Muslims, where we fast and pray and I always feel more connected spiritually that I do at any other time of the year. I'm fasting as I type this, and I actually like it. Here in the UK, our fasts are about 19 hours long since we fast from sunrise to sunset, and the summer months are obviously longer but all this time, is time that I seem to spend thinking.

I love my faith, but more so than that, I love that I have the capability to have faith and believe in more than just this earth and its surrounding. I like the comfort that I get from it, from praying to simply believing that there is an afterlife for us once we leave this earth. I know that not everyone will agree and I don't really need them to. 

That's why I think faith should be personal; I don't need anyone else to agree with me on it, it's my faith and it's my spirit that I'm feeding by practising. I think it's a soulful practice and it makes so many people feel safe and hopeful when the world does its absolute best to leave us feeling empty inside. The world is harsh and unforgiving but my faith in something more allows me to forgive myself and others and I think that is what it is most important for.

It gives us something to value while uniting us to help each other navigate this mess called life. Anyway, that's my rambling of the week done. Feel free to let me know about your faith and the things that make you feel safe.

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z