Letter #50 - Take The Power Away From Your Fears

To anyone who wants to take control of their fears,

Whenever I’m having an off day, when I’m feeling out of sorts, there’s usually a root cause or a stressor that I haven’t yet put my finger on. So instead, I just feel wrong for a couple days until I figure it out. It’s like for those two or three days, I’m just waking from a dream and I can’t wake fast enough to catch the dream before I forget it. Like that, my thoughts can run away faster than I can keep track of them. If I can’t keep track of them, I can’t get to the problem.

Now there’s nothing wrong with having an off day; I don’t think it’s humanly possible not to, but there are sometimes times when I can’t afford to have an off day. Say I’ve got a really important work project or an exam, and I’m too busy getting caught up in feeling bad to focus and yet, focus is the only thing I need in those moments. Well, when that happens, I’ve always needed to get out of my head and fix the problem quickly so it can’t bother me for the time being.

I had to go through a lot of trial and error over the years, but I figured out what works for me and I’ve had others try it too and so far, I’ve not had any complaints. It’s nothing groundbreaking, but it is a comforting little practice.

I just make a list, brain-dumping everything that’s worrying me onto a piece of paper. Now, I’m all for the digital age, but for this to work properly, you need use put actual pen to a literal sheet of paper and not just type it out. All my anxieties, fears, uncertainty, I get it all out and onto the paper. I got through things systematically; I’ll start with things in my professional life, like deadlines or difficult work, then move onto my personal life and my relationships before finally listing my personal feelings and thoughts about myself. I get it all out of my head and in front of me.

Now this is where the therapy begins.

There are three ways of doing this, that I use at least. The first is to take that list of fears and rip it to shreds. I’ll tear it into tiny tiny pieces until it resembles confetti, and then likes symbolic of how those thoughts and fears are gone, for the time being at least. The physical act of the ripping helps a lot as it feels like I’ve destroyed the ideas on that piece of paper.

The next alternative that soothes the child in me is to take that sheet of paper to a sink and set fire to it. This is go to method, just because it feels the more freeing to me when I can see the negativity literally go up in flames. It is no longer something to concern myself with.

The last option is a great one too. This is a much calmer method but no less powerful. This method works best if you’ve used an ink/fountain pen to write your list. Biro will not have the same effect. You get a bowl of water, and you place the paper into the water. With an ink pen, you’ll be able to see the ink leaking and floating away, just like the words that make up your fears and problems. You can see them dissolve away and it’s a release. 

All three methods are a release and maybe there’s other way that you can come up with, but the essence of the practice is that it frees your mind up by drawing out the negativity and admitting it. It’s also easier to admit to a sheet of paper, in private, if you then know that you’re destroying that paper. There’s less vulnerability or concern that someone might find the paper and your sensitive thoughts. Trust me, it’s much easier that you think it might be.

In the end, you might not even find the cause of your off day, but you’ll feel somewhat lighter either way and that’ll go a long way in helping you to feel more like yourself much quicker. At least, it does for me.

So I hope this helps, and that if you’re in need of it, you can give it a try and find some level of satisfaction in destroying your fears.

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #34 - Make sure it brings you joy

To anyone who has ever questioned it,

In keeping my word about regular self care posts on a Sunday, I was going to write about skin care in the winter, because to me it always feeling like a bit of a pamper session. I've had a lot of people compliment, or rather question, the condition of my skin recently; what magic potion I must be using to keep it so clear. The thing is, I love my skin in the winter as it always seems to thrive before turning into a patchy mess come spring. But the irony of life stepped in just as I woke up intent on taking posts for the blog, with spots scattered across my chin and my cheeks. Now, I doubt that that's a sight anyone needs to see so I've had to talk about something else.

This is something I've noticed for a while and with the start of December, comes vlogmas for some YouTubers and that has made the issue more prominent in my eyes. Like anyone, I have my favourite social media 'influencers' and on watching recent videos or following their Snapchat and Instagram stories, the same words pop up all the time. These are words that always sounded strange but I presume that they come from a place of concern since their jobs are to portray their lives in a certain way. 

The words tend to fall along the lines of "sorry I look a mess", "I know I don't look great just yet" or "excuse my face" and they are soon followed by a reason as to why they haven't got makeup on. I hear it time and time again, and I feel sad for them. I can understand that they make a career out of beauty products and how to style their look and their makeup but surely they can be excused their appearance at the moment of waking or working in an empty home or simply living their lives.

The prominence of these words almost seems unfair on them. The Christmas season can be busy for the best of us and especially so for them, given that they have their own schedules to work to and events to attend AND they film it for the entertainment of others. But we shouldn't forget that they are filming a lot of their personal lives, and I think that that takes a certain level of courage and it's fantastic of them to do so. The level of public knowledge of their lives is different to that of celebrities in the traditional sense, since they are willingly letting the public into their lives and that is something you have to admire, whatever your view on them. 

But the sheer number of women who apologised to the camera for being flustered, or busy or especially, when they didn't have makeup on, and looked "a mess" was one too many. It sparked a thought and so that's why I'm writing this. 

Firstly, it isn't right for anyone to have to apologise for being a human being with a face that comes naturally unpainted. I needed to address that because it needs addressing and I'm sure it is something that people need to read about and have a think on. I find it interesting, for lack of a better word, that we are in an age and time where we have such education and understanding and yet we can still hold others to a certain standard when it is none of our concern. 

Those women may have apologised but when I read the comments sections, I understood why they felt the need to. So many comments pointed out their flaws or how different or tired they looked, and if this is constantly the feedback that they are exposed to, of course they will feel as though they have to be sorry for it. What I found most interesting was that most comments weren't by internet trolls, they were by fans or followers who had always been there. I don't think that their intentions are harsh, but it's what we have now become so accustomed to, that we feel the need to comment when it is no longer there.

Of course I'm talking about makeup here, but really any sort of imagined standard of appearance that is put on others is not okay. Something that started off as a bit of fun for most women has either become an obsession or a chore. I'm sure I sound so utterly against the idea of makeup but I love the stuff and I'm so fascinated and in awe of those who can apply it well and look so stunning with it. My only issue is that I generally think people look just as stunning without it.

I'm writing so much about other people and their presumed association with the stuff, I may as well explain my own view of it. In all honesty I don't have one. 

I'm just grateful that I don't feel a hold over my confidence from it. I'm grateful that as a young child, my mother never told me that I wasn't allowed to use it or that I was too young for it or anything along those lines. My dad once got me a huge makeup case when I was about 9 years old (he clearly didn't see anything wrong with it!) and it was one of those ones for young girls, with fluorescent pink blush and glitter lip glosses and the rest. I loved it and played dress up for about two weeks solid and then I got bored. I moved onto other interests after that. I never really thought about it until now, but I think the fact that I didn't have input from anyone else about if and when and how I should use it, meant that I formed my own opinion early on. I only ever saw it as a plaything. From then it couldn't define me because it held no interest for me. 

And now, at 22 years old, I do not wear makeup on a day to day basis and I love my complexion and all aspects of my face, because whenever I look in the mirror, I always see the same thing. I think that that is an important point in itself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wearing makeup on an almost religious basis, as long as you don't forget that that reflection isn't the real deal.

I'm not saying that it's always been easy to love my skin. I certainly have days where I question whether I should resort to making it look more even or brighter or fresher or any number of things that can be done. It doesn't help that society is still wired a certain way.

When I lived with friends at uni, and when I would make new friends, they were always so curious as to why I didn't wear makeup. My idea of getting ready to go out with them meant taking a shower and putting on nicer clothes, whereas for them, it meant an hour in front of a mirror perfecting their faces. I also got roped into it exactly two times in those three years; times where I was begged to let them apply makeup on me and I relented as a bit of fun. But what I found was that it wasn't me. Nothing looked like me anymore. I'll add a photo somewhere here, but take my word for it, that's not what I look like even on my best day. And I don't need to.

My biggest problem was with the foundation. It covers all manner of sins but in the end, when you wipe it away, the imperfections are still there and I found myself disliking them. That day as I washed my face, I noticed the small freckles and the noticeable pores and it bothered me. The thing is I didn't like that it bothered me so the next time I got a request for being made up, I declined with a smile and reminded myself that I'm amazing as is.

In recent years, I think that there has been a move towards embracing ourselves in all aspects, with celebrities and others going out of their way to point out their no makeup selfies, but I think when something has been so ingrained for so long, it can be tough to wholeheartedly embrace it.

What I've noticed is that while it begins as fun, something to add a touch of colour, for the majority it eventually becomes a crutch. I've seen friends and relations alike terrified at the prospect of going about their daily lives without a full face of makeup. They refuse to be seen without it. They feel anxious at the thought and they feel as though it makes them unkempt.

I can understand the latter; I've had my fair share of remarks from well meaning individuals that seem to question how much I value myself. "You really don't like making an effort, do you?" or "surely you could have at least added some *insert product of choice*."

These statements and remarks shouldn't happen but it has become the case that if a women isn't made up, then on some level, she doesn't value herself enough or that she is lazy. I won't lie, I do get much more extra sleep compared to some of my friends but I spend my time taking care of my skin and my nutrition so that I have a good enough base that I can be content with.

This post has run far too long and if you've made it to the end, I commend you! I don't want this post to come across at all like I'm criticising those that wear makeup or promote it. I simply hope that people can be happy enough in their own skin that it becomes fun for them again. So it can be an addition to your face instead of a replacement.

Let me know what you think in the comments! 

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z

Letter #28 - Broken characters

Dear readers,

As with many of my posts, I don't know if there's going to be a point to this, but bear with me, and I guess we'll see if this makes any sense or has any relevance to life.

I'm drawn to broken people. Not necessarily in life but in fiction, in the things I read, and watch and understand. I root for the awful characters; the ones who have nothing going for them and are meant to be hated and taken against. And maybe just the ones who are sad and angry and fearful.

I am fascinated by it. The brokenness of humanity. Those sad characters, with their misplaced emotions and harsh exterior. They are the ones that need understanding, and I think I like that fact. I want to understand what made a person who they are. Generally what I've noticed is that those deeper acts are what makes a character. I suppose that's where the phrase "character building" comes from. The hardships we face make us, and shape us into who we are.

I've found that as I've grown, I have displaced that interest into reality. I define people by their brokenness and their hardships. With my friends and family alike, I can put the sadness in a person's life first when I think of them. As such, I define them by the things that they would rather not be defined by. But in my mind, that is simply the way things are.

This focus on the negative gives me a greater hold on reality though. I choose to see the bad to remind myself that it is out there and it would be naive not to be wary of it. It also allows me to be more understanding in the way I address the person. If I get irritated or aggravated by someone close to me, I have two responses; lashing out and confrontation, or passive aggression until it is out of my system. Neither one of those are healthy for me nor for my relationships. But now, when I focus on their brokenness, I can calm myself with the fact that they have their own stuff going on. This fact reminds me that we are all flawed and prone to falling. It reminds me to be kind and to understand.

By focusing on the darkness in someone's life, I allow myself to give them the benefit of the doubt and as such, I feel closer and kinder towards them. All of this takes place in my mind before anyone has to be affected by my thinking and as such, everyone around me can carry on with their blissful reality of life and our relationships.

I can have healthy relationships with my family and friends because I can acknowledge them as a whole, warts and all. It truly is a beautiful experience and you should all try it.

This post itself, started from a place of negativity and irritation and now, surprise surprise, I feel great and more at peace. And as such, I feel better about myself as a person and my capacity for tolerance.

So here's my challenge to you; try it for yourself! Empathise with someone who you would rather argue with. See the brokenness in a character in a book and try to take that into your real life and see the variety of brokenness around you. I promise you the perspective will make you feel great. (By the way, how great of a word is brokenness? I love it!)

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #23 - Have something for yourself

To absolutely everyone,

Be you male, female, young or old, regardless of circumstance or any other excuses you may have, please heed this one little request. Think of it as a belated New Years resolution! 

Have something that is yours and yours alone. And cultivate it so that it can be something magnificent all on its own. You all owe that to yourselves.

I've witnessed far too many people, especially incredibly strong women, give up things that were important at some point in their lives, in misguided attempts that if they do, it will ultimately allow other areas of their lives to grow healthier. But it's wrong. It's the wrong way to think about life in general. Things should be allowed to exist side by side without one having to be sacrificed for the other.

This may end up coming across as a rant but I need my first post of 2016 to mean something, and this is as good as anything.

I've encountered people using the word selfish to justify giving things up. They want to be less selfish, less concerned with themselves. But what I want to know is when did selfishness become a bad thing?! Everything is moderation comes into play here so much more so; if you want to be less self-centred, go right ahead, but selfish should not be thrown around as a bad word.

Selfish means taking time for yourSELF, and I think the word embodies the ideal of self-love and self-care . The negative connotations of the word need to stop if we are to become happier in our lives in general. So this is my plea to you, in response to this belief.

I think there's so much judgement in this world, that it is so sad, bordering on pathetic. Everywhere you turn, there is someone there ready to question your life choices, but why should they? And through this judgement, a lot of people wilt and shrivel away their happiness in an attempt to be better seen in the way that others would like them to be. 

Mothers giving up careers in turn for children; fathers giving up time with children in lieu of providing more and more; young adults giving up social lives for their careers. At the end of the day, however, you're only hurting yourself.

A positive attitude cannot grow without nurturing and that nurturing has to come from within. If you don't have an outlet of some form, how are you ever going to thrive? Some of the most miserable people I know, also have the capacity to be the happiest and the most grateful. I've found that they persevere with their sacrifices simply because they feel bad nurturing anything else in their life, and in turn the area of life that they sacrificed everything for suffers too.

If you have a hobby that you love, and due to other obligations, it's been put on the back burner, take it off there and start anew.

If you can no longer think on an interest, find a new one! It's as simple as that.

Have something for yourself. No matter what you do, don't become a martyr. Do something, no matter how small, that is all yours and yours alone. Something you love to do that is not consumed by any other loves in your life. Because it's not worth it. Not at all. You have to be a whole person before you can sacrifice that for someone/something else. You need to be you before you can be something to someone else. 

Especially girls, keep hold of something, a part of you, your soul, that is not up for discussion or compromise. A hobby, a love, an interest; anything. Take the time to nurture it and grow that other love. It's necessary to your mental health and your ultimate happiness. You do you!

And anyone who has the nerve to question that you need to nurture every facet of life, frankly isn't worth your time or energy.

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z