Letter #43 - Resilience Is The Best Thing Life Can Teach You

To those who will be starting again soon,

At this time of year, I always think about the end of school, or more recently university. Around this time two years ago, I had handed in my dissertation and had my final exams and I thought the hard part was over.

I could not have been more wrong! I thought that having my degree and knowing all that I’d learnt would mean that the change involved in getting a job or just growing up into a functioning adult would be more of a step than a leap. It would be a minor thing, rather than something consuming my waking moments. 

I know that I wasn’t alone in this feeling of too much pressure and feeling like you’re falling at every new step. I’ve been thinking about those difficulties now, two years on, when myself and all of my friend have become more settled in their lives since that point. With further study, or finding the perfect job, their resilience paid off. But I don’t think any of us thought that at the time.

So it got me thinking that there are probably others out there right now, going through this exact thing. And that’s not to say that people don’t have regular changes and problems in life, just that the ones that feel like the end of the world, are sometimes only the beginning of a new one. 

Surviving against pressure is a funny thing. It’s like the coal to diamond transformation; you wouldn’t believe it until it happened. When things get hard, it can be all too understandable to just stop and think that it’s not worth it or that it’s not going anywhere. Of course, it’s understandable. It’s human nature. You want to survive and the things that make that difficult make you think it won’t aid in your survival. But what if you survive without the struggle, and find that there’s nothing on the other side.

I’ve done both things. I’ve done the whole “I give it, it’s not worth it” thing but then I’ve also done the “I am sticking this out because I know it’ll be worth it” thing.
And I infinitely prefer the latter. Because even if nothing comes of it, you tried and the resilience of learning to try is the greatest feeling ever. At least, it is to me! And apparently to tons of the most successful people out there. Google the person that inspires you most, and I guarantee that 9 times out of 10, it took them a long time to get to where they are now. But the fact that they got there means it’s doable. So do it.

There’s a rush to it; a feeling that your chemistry has been altered by the act of sticking it out and seeing something come to life. I don’t think we can teach ourselves to be resilient just by thinking we should. I feel as though it’s about getting to your breaking point, letting yourself break and then putting the pieces back in place, but in a stronger composition. So that next time, you don’t break as easily, you just bend. And then the time after that, and after that, you never break again.

There’s an art to sticking it out, after rejection and after compromise and after failing. To me, part of that comes from having a support system. Having someone who reminds you to push back and to keep trying again. I think we can find that support in different places; family, friends, corners of the internet that just get you, or pets even!

After bouncing back is when the best things happen. That resilience shows you that no project or activity is ever bad enough; it’s about finding the right composition that makes sense for you. If it didn’t work this time, who’s to say it won’t next time.

If you’re reading this now, and are struggling to make something work out the way that you want, see if there’s another way around it. You’ll get there in the end!

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #41 - Taking a Moment for Positivity

To anyone who takes the time to read,

I've been absent from this site for far longer than I planned and I can't really explain it other than to say I had to go through a bit of a mindset adjustment.

I went from a place of pathetic wallowing for the first half of last year to then finding a kind of “peace” from which amazing things happened. Like bucket list things! Okay, maybe just one thing... but that’s one more than there would have been, had I not had a change to my thinking.

If I’m honest, I love a pity party at times. There’s moments where it is absolutely allowed, when things just categorically suck, but then sometimes it’s really not as bad as you think. This blog was never meant to be a place for my negativity but instead a way for accountability and growing out of such feelings. Easier said than done, clearly.

I can only assume that that past year was my “quarter life crisis”, my ungrateful millennial phase, but I don't know if it was. I know that at some point, I got tired before my time. I got tired of trying and putting everything in to my ideas and dreams and whimsies. I got tired and I got afraid. (I can literally hear your eye rolling, but bear with me!) But beyond the fear and the apathy, was a deep need to accomplish. But it was also not something that seemed to come into existence in the way in which I had hoped it would.

So all I could do was figure out a change that needed to be made or remain stagnant. I chose change. 

I remember being younger, and asked if I was an optimist or a pessimist. Without even taking a moment to think, I blurted out “pessimist”, to the surprise of my teachers. A 10 year old is not meant to be pessimistic, it seemed. But for years, I said that it was just my nature. To worry and plan and hold my breath for the moment things went wrong. Because to me, the glass was always half empty and I was just waiting for everyone else to realise that. To say I was a worrier would be an understatement. 

I was always surprised when things would go my way, from good grades to things I was trying to achieve in my personal life. Because there was always a part of me that held my breath and went into everything thinking it wouldn’t work out.

But then when the disappointing thing happened last year, I expected it. I had a little cry and then I shrugged. Realistically I hadn’t expected it to happen. I was still holding my breath. Until my mum noticed that my negative thinking as always been a dark cloud over everything I do. That I have the potential to achieve the things I want, but that if I can’t believe it for myself then why should anyone else take a chance on me? 

It made sense but what could I do? It was just my nature. My mother did not agree. She thought positive thinking was all I needed to work on. I had never put much faith in that. How could simple imagination make things happen? It seemed wishy washy and not at all something I should take seriously.

Now let's just say, at that point, I would try anything. It’s not like my way had worked. 

So I gave it another shot, this time changing my mindset. Now, it’s not really as easy as simply snapping my fingers. I had to force the change. I had to become aware of my thoughts and my feelings, and make an active effort to correct them when they went back to their ways of “it won’t happen”, and “this is dumb”.

I found that meditation helped; starting each day with a calm mind and thinking that I can and I will accomplish my tasks for that day. And when meditation didn’t work, I prayed on it. Between the two practices, I had my bases covered and it did make a difference.

I was actually excited to see how things panned out, instead of hesitant and having an expectation of disappointment from the get go. I tried, and I reminded myself that even if it didn’t work, what did I really have to lose? I still had my health, my family and friend and my home. I would only be “behind” on my own schedule. In the grand scheme of things, it would be a blip, not an explosion. 

 As if on cue, things started working out. I finished projects that were 10 years old, I got back into enjoying things that I had convinced myself were pointless failures and I achieved my ultimate goal... but that’s a story for another day!

This was just a little catch up on how positivity can truly make a difference. Not a magical difference, but one that affects your personality and our thoughts and in turn, your actions. I was proved wrong; there is nothing wishy-washy about it. So give it a try if you’re not the most hopeful person, and if you are, keep on doing what you do.

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #34 - Make sure it brings you joy

To anyone who has ever questioned it,

In keeping my word about regular self care posts on a Sunday, I was going to write about skin care in the winter, because to me it always feeling like a bit of a pamper session. I've had a lot of people compliment, or rather question, the condition of my skin recently; what magic potion I must be using to keep it so clear. The thing is, I love my skin in the winter as it always seems to thrive before turning into a patchy mess come spring. But the irony of life stepped in just as I woke up intent on taking posts for the blog, with spots scattered across my chin and my cheeks. Now, I doubt that that's a sight anyone needs to see so I've had to talk about something else.

This is something I've noticed for a while and with the start of December, comes vlogmas for some YouTubers and that has made the issue more prominent in my eyes. Like anyone, I have my favourite social media 'influencers' and on watching recent videos or following their Snapchat and Instagram stories, the same words pop up all the time. These are words that always sounded strange but I presume that they come from a place of concern since their jobs are to portray their lives in a certain way. 

The words tend to fall along the lines of "sorry I look a mess", "I know I don't look great just yet" or "excuse my face" and they are soon followed by a reason as to why they haven't got makeup on. I hear it time and time again, and I feel sad for them. I can understand that they make a career out of beauty products and how to style their look and their makeup but surely they can be excused their appearance at the moment of waking or working in an empty home or simply living their lives.

The prominence of these words almost seems unfair on them. The Christmas season can be busy for the best of us and especially so for them, given that they have their own schedules to work to and events to attend AND they film it for the entertainment of others. But we shouldn't forget that they are filming a lot of their personal lives, and I think that that takes a certain level of courage and it's fantastic of them to do so. The level of public knowledge of their lives is different to that of celebrities in the traditional sense, since they are willingly letting the public into their lives and that is something you have to admire, whatever your view on them. 

But the sheer number of women who apologised to the camera for being flustered, or busy or especially, when they didn't have makeup on, and looked "a mess" was one too many. It sparked a thought and so that's why I'm writing this. 

Firstly, it isn't right for anyone to have to apologise for being a human being with a face that comes naturally unpainted. I needed to address that because it needs addressing and I'm sure it is something that people need to read about and have a think on. I find it interesting, for lack of a better word, that we are in an age and time where we have such education and understanding and yet we can still hold others to a certain standard when it is none of our concern. 

Those women may have apologised but when I read the comments sections, I understood why they felt the need to. So many comments pointed out their flaws or how different or tired they looked, and if this is constantly the feedback that they are exposed to, of course they will feel as though they have to be sorry for it. What I found most interesting was that most comments weren't by internet trolls, they were by fans or followers who had always been there. I don't think that their intentions are harsh, but it's what we have now become so accustomed to, that we feel the need to comment when it is no longer there.

Of course I'm talking about makeup here, but really any sort of imagined standard of appearance that is put on others is not okay. Something that started off as a bit of fun for most women has either become an obsession or a chore. I'm sure I sound so utterly against the idea of makeup but I love the stuff and I'm so fascinated and in awe of those who can apply it well and look so stunning with it. My only issue is that I generally think people look just as stunning without it.

I'm writing so much about other people and their presumed association with the stuff, I may as well explain my own view of it. In all honesty I don't have one. 

I'm just grateful that I don't feel a hold over my confidence from it. I'm grateful that as a young child, my mother never told me that I wasn't allowed to use it or that I was too young for it or anything along those lines. My dad once got me a huge makeup case when I was about 9 years old (he clearly didn't see anything wrong with it!) and it was one of those ones for young girls, with fluorescent pink blush and glitter lip glosses and the rest. I loved it and played dress up for about two weeks solid and then I got bored. I moved onto other interests after that. I never really thought about it until now, but I think the fact that I didn't have input from anyone else about if and when and how I should use it, meant that I formed my own opinion early on. I only ever saw it as a plaything. From then it couldn't define me because it held no interest for me. 

And now, at 22 years old, I do not wear makeup on a day to day basis and I love my complexion and all aspects of my face, because whenever I look in the mirror, I always see the same thing. I think that that is an important point in itself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wearing makeup on an almost religious basis, as long as you don't forget that that reflection isn't the real deal.

I'm not saying that it's always been easy to love my skin. I certainly have days where I question whether I should resort to making it look more even or brighter or fresher or any number of things that can be done. It doesn't help that society is still wired a certain way.

When I lived with friends at uni, and when I would make new friends, they were always so curious as to why I didn't wear makeup. My idea of getting ready to go out with them meant taking a shower and putting on nicer clothes, whereas for them, it meant an hour in front of a mirror perfecting their faces. I also got roped into it exactly two times in those three years; times where I was begged to let them apply makeup on me and I relented as a bit of fun. But what I found was that it wasn't me. Nothing looked like me anymore. I'll add a photo somewhere here, but take my word for it, that's not what I look like even on my best day. And I don't need to.

My biggest problem was with the foundation. It covers all manner of sins but in the end, when you wipe it away, the imperfections are still there and I found myself disliking them. That day as I washed my face, I noticed the small freckles and the noticeable pores and it bothered me. The thing is I didn't like that it bothered me so the next time I got a request for being made up, I declined with a smile and reminded myself that I'm amazing as is.

In recent years, I think that there has been a move towards embracing ourselves in all aspects, with celebrities and others going out of their way to point out their no makeup selfies, but I think when something has been so ingrained for so long, it can be tough to wholeheartedly embrace it.

What I've noticed is that while it begins as fun, something to add a touch of colour, for the majority it eventually becomes a crutch. I've seen friends and relations alike terrified at the prospect of going about their daily lives without a full face of makeup. They refuse to be seen without it. They feel anxious at the thought and they feel as though it makes them unkempt.

I can understand the latter; I've had my fair share of remarks from well meaning individuals that seem to question how much I value myself. "You really don't like making an effort, do you?" or "surely you could have at least added some *insert product of choice*."

These statements and remarks shouldn't happen but it has become the case that if a women isn't made up, then on some level, she doesn't value herself enough or that she is lazy. I won't lie, I do get much more extra sleep compared to some of my friends but I spend my time taking care of my skin and my nutrition so that I have a good enough base that I can be content with.

This post has run far too long and if you've made it to the end, I commend you! I don't want this post to come across at all like I'm criticising those that wear makeup or promote it. I simply hope that people can be happy enough in their own skin that it becomes fun for them again. So it can be an addition to your face instead of a replacement.

Let me know what you think in the comments! 

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z

Letter #13 - Talent should be celebrated.

To anyone and everyone out there,

With A level results day having just passed here in the UK, I spent the days leading up to it in an uncomfortable trance of nervousness. I got my own results back in summer 2012 but the memories of the stress and disheartened feeling remain to this day. I didn't get the grades that I needed for the career that I wanted to pursue but more so than that, I didn't feel good enough. For anything.

I spent the year after that event, in a bit of a daze, writing and spending time with my family; it was an avoidance tactic in which I hid from the big bad world. The world that I wasn't good enough for. And frankly, it sucked. 

By being in that mind set at the time, I ended up associating my writing and my novels with sadness, and eventually they didn't feel good enough to me. I could always work harder, do better, write more and all that pushing for more led to less and less actually being achieved.

When I got to university the year after that, I hadn't really gotten over that feeling but I had to hide it away; it isn't exactly the most entertaining topic to bring up. And in doing so, I almost forgot about it. 

I would hole away in my room, and read... Not material for my classes but fantasy novels, romance novels, anything to take my mind off of work. And then when I had to work, I did so in extreme cramming sessions so that I didn't have the time to entertain thoughts of failing or not being good enough. 

Those would come after the fact. And with each assignment, and each exam, all of which I achieved over 70%, I was angry at myself rather than happy at my grade. I was that bitch that whines about not getting 100% when there are others around me who were struggling to even pass the course. Yes, I was that girl and I'm not proud of it.

But I've found that while I am that harsh on myself, I love it when people around me are doing well. I know as humans, we have the natural tendency to compete and to pit ourselves against one another but I've never really felt that way about others in my life. When my friends do well, when they achieve their goals, I hold nothing but immense pride for them.

It got me thinking about talent. That people are so talented. We, as human beings, are so creative and resourceful and I believe that everyone has a talent, no matter how small they may think it to be. A friend of mine sings and records covers as well as writing his own material to put up on YouTube and I marvel at the creativity and hard work that goes into that. And again, I am nothing but proud. 

My best friend, on the other hand, seems to think that she doesn't do much, but believe me when I say that her talents lie in the fact that she can do everything, literally everything! She's the kind of person that only has to try something new once before she is an all around pro at it. She tried her hand at henna designs recently and they are fantastic for someone who has only tried twice in her life. And on top of that, she is an absolute genius, studying to be a doctor. 

I think it's these little things, the things that people don't necessarily notice in themselves that others are usually in awe of. It's the talents that others overlook in themselves that are important and I love pointing them out to people. 

I think it's the kindest thing to do, celebrate your loved ones and their abilities on such an innate level that it hopefully makes them feel great about themselves. When we feel that good, even over something small, it builds up our confidence and that self-doubt, that niggling voice telling us we aren't good enough, gets locked away for another day more.

Self doubt may make us stronger, and make us work harder, but in the long run, when you are sitting there in the silent moments, it can be an awful thing to be feeling and I feel like anything that shuns that negativity is worth it.

So embrace your talents, whatever they may be and be proud of them too! It's the accumulation of all those little pockets of personality that make us who we are and at the end of the day, we are all good enough!

This post may have started off as a bit of a ramble but I hope that if you're reading this, you can spend a bit of time, maybe just half an hour this evening, acknowledging your talents, be they organisation, or being an epic party planner, or simply having pretty handwriting :p Be proud of it all and go and tell a friend, a family member, anyone, what it is about them that you find absolutely amazing. Not something superficial but a talent that they hold or a skill that they have mastered. 

Basically, just be in awe of those around you and I can guarantee that you will instantly build them up and build yourself up in the process.

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z