Letter #50 - Take The Power Away From Your Fears

To anyone who wants to take control of their fears,

Whenever I’m having an off day, when I’m feeling out of sorts, there’s usually a root cause or a stressor that I haven’t yet put my finger on. So instead, I just feel wrong for a couple days until I figure it out. It’s like for those two or three days, I’m just waking from a dream and I can’t wake fast enough to catch the dream before I forget it. Like that, my thoughts can run away faster than I can keep track of them. If I can’t keep track of them, I can’t get to the problem.

Now there’s nothing wrong with having an off day; I don’t think it’s humanly possible not to, but there are sometimes times when I can’t afford to have an off day. Say I’ve got a really important work project or an exam, and I’m too busy getting caught up in feeling bad to focus and yet, focus is the only thing I need in those moments. Well, when that happens, I’ve always needed to get out of my head and fix the problem quickly so it can’t bother me for the time being.

I had to go through a lot of trial and error over the years, but I figured out what works for me and I’ve had others try it too and so far, I’ve not had any complaints. It’s nothing groundbreaking, but it is a comforting little practice.

I just make a list, brain-dumping everything that’s worrying me onto a piece of paper. Now, I’m all for the digital age, but for this to work properly, you need use put actual pen to a literal sheet of paper and not just type it out. All my anxieties, fears, uncertainty, I get it all out and onto the paper. I got through things systematically; I’ll start with things in my professional life, like deadlines or difficult work, then move onto my personal life and my relationships before finally listing my personal feelings and thoughts about myself. I get it all out of my head and in front of me.

Now this is where the therapy begins.

There are three ways of doing this, that I use at least. The first is to take that list of fears and rip it to shreds. I’ll tear it into tiny tiny pieces until it resembles confetti, and then likes symbolic of how those thoughts and fears are gone, for the time being at least. The physical act of the ripping helps a lot as it feels like I’ve destroyed the ideas on that piece of paper.

The next alternative that soothes the child in me is to take that sheet of paper to a sink and set fire to it. This is go to method, just because it feels the more freeing to me when I can see the negativity literally go up in flames. It is no longer something to concern myself with.

The last option is a great one too. This is a much calmer method but no less powerful. This method works best if you’ve used an ink/fountain pen to write your list. Biro will not have the same effect. You get a bowl of water, and you place the paper into the water. With an ink pen, you’ll be able to see the ink leaking and floating away, just like the words that make up your fears and problems. You can see them dissolve away and it’s a release. 

All three methods are a release and maybe there’s other way that you can come up with, but the essence of the practice is that it frees your mind up by drawing out the negativity and admitting it. It’s also easier to admit to a sheet of paper, in private, if you then know that you’re destroying that paper. There’s less vulnerability or concern that someone might find the paper and your sensitive thoughts. Trust me, it’s much easier that you think it might be.

In the end, you might not even find the cause of your off day, but you’ll feel somewhat lighter either way and that’ll go a long way in helping you to feel more like yourself much quicker. At least, it does for me.

So I hope this helps, and that if you’re in need of it, you can give it a try and find some level of satisfaction in destroying your fears.

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #49 - Don’t Let Expectations Hold You Prisoner

To anyone who needs a reminder,

So this post was meant to be up yesterday, since I’m doing this whole ‘every day in May’ thing, but while that was what was expected of me, by myself, it doesn’t mean it actually happened.

Instead, I worried about what to write about and faced a bit of a drought. The last 8 days have gone pretty well, even though I could feel myself petering out of the flow, every day. I started the month so prepared, with 4 posts ready and waiting before the first of the month even arrived. And they were all pretty long, substantial posts of close to 1000 words. It still wasn’t meeting my expeditions however, as I had also hoped to have photos to go with each post. I had to give up that idea pretty quickly but it wasn’t the end of the world and I just powered through with creating a backlog of posts for the month, and for the days that would get too hectic. This is much easier said than done.

The next expectation I had give up was that I would have each post up by 11am every day. The first couple of days I even managed 10am! But for me and how I’m living right now, it isn’t always sustainable. Sometimes things come up, people need help or favours that I have agreed to. And then there’s the everyday monotony that has to be contended with. The things that just need to get done, like feeding myself or hanging out with my brother in the evenings. These things can’t be moved around and I wouldn’t want them to be, so I have to instead move around my posts as they are more flexible to me, as a priority. My last few posts were pretty close to the end of the day, because I had literally written them half an hour before hitting publish at 11pm. But I still got it done and that was something that I was content with.

This last expectation is one that I really really wanted to follow through on for the entire month; to post every day was important to me as an experiment to myself that I could do it. And as of last night, that expectation is also one I haven’t met. I couldn’t even force it last night. It’s not that I didn’t have a single second to try. I mean I got into bed at 10pm, I had time there to try to bash something out but I was so so done with the day. I needed the day to be over and that meant sleeping it off. Even as I slept though, my mind wanted to get someone out. I literally dreamt I was writing this post and then woke up around 3am really confused and way too warm. It just wasn’t meant to be.

I came to the realisation this morning that I can’t force content out of thin air. My thoughts and opinions come from my life. They come about as a response to things I’ve seen or overheard, or ideas that have occurred to me over time. I can’t just pick a topic and decide to waffle on (as much as I love waffling, it doesn’t always work!). While I’ve been writing this week, I haven’t been doing a lot else for leisure. I haven’t been reading blogs, or listening to podcasts or even music or doing anything simply for the joy of it. I’ve been doing things out of an expectation that I should be doing them. That’s not fair to me and it’s not sustainable, in the way that I function best.

But at least I’ve allowed myself to notice that having expectations can work for some, but be a source of stress for others. I can’t expect each day to match the last or be better than it. Everything can’t always be great and that’s okay. It’s all survivable and manageable and in the end, it’s not like my world has exploded as a result of it. I have the luxury of that lack of urgency at least. I need to remember to be grateful for that.

That’s all from me, but hopefully you can be expecting another post from me before the day is out. That’s an expectation I’m happy to work towards! 

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #48 - Having A Non-Routine Routine

To anyone without the organisation gene,

I feel like among the people I know, I’m in the minority when it comes to my take on organisation and routine. I’m of the view that “organised chaos” is a thing and it is a fairly acceptable means of organisation, if it work for you. 

For me, it does. If my desk is a mess, I will still know where to find things in that mess, because I remember putting them there. If someone comes and tidies my room without me knowing, to me that is a mess, because I can’t find what I need when I need it. In the same way, when it comes to routine, some people need to have a strict timeline that they follow, which is the only way they get anything done. Planners are used to their full extent and timing are obeyed down to the minute. That’s absolutely great, if you can manage that.

I cannot. 

For me, a routine is pretty non-existent. I don’t and can’t do things at set times. If I tried, something would get in the way and I would fail; this would bother me more than just not setting a timeline in the first place. I can’t fail when I haven’t got it on my radar in the first place. However, while I don’t restrict myself to times, I do still have daily goals or aims. Things that I hope to do before the day is out. Like writing for this blog.

This month, I’ve been waking up knowing that I’m going to get one post done every day. I just don’t know when that may be. It might be that, as soon as I wake up, I open google docs and bash something out. But alternatively, I may not have anything to say until 9pm, and then the post is later. But it is still completed and to me, that’s the most important part.

Of course, if there are deadlines and responsibility to adhere to, I won’t neglect them. I’ll just give myself enough time and enough days to do the work without forcing a restrictive timeline on myself.

I’m a big believer in breaking up the day to stay focused. Even if I could get 4 short tasks done in one sitting, this might mean that after that point, I get bored and demotivated, and then the rest of the day is lost. But if I use those shorter, easier tasks as breaks between longer, more difficult things, then I get more satisfaction and feel more productive. This is great, because I end my days feeling better about myself.

I suppose all I want to say on this topic is that your idea of a routine doesn’t have to match someone else’s, and for a long time, I would feel bad for not being as excessively organised as some people. Eventually I had to just develop a respect for myself and my personality and understand that when it comes to routine, I need a more open path than others. I’m more laidback as a person, and I think that reflects in my needs in  day to day life. I’m also annoying late, but that’s a story for another day!

So if you’re super organised, I would love to pick your brain as to how you manage it; if you’re not, then you do you and don’t put pressure on yourself to be someone you’re not.

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #47 - Being a Work-In-Progress

To anyone who feels incomplete,

I was thinking about being complete, the other day. When we think of our futures, don’t most of us think that at some point we’ll be done, settled and our lives will be complete? There’s this idea that you’re doing to reach a point where you don’t need to do or be more. I know when I was young, I thought that 40 was the end of the road, and that I had to complete everything on my bucket list by then or else life would have been pointless. Saying that now, it just seems silly yet at the same time, a part of me has those worries.

I look at myself at 24, and this is not what I pictured for myself but it’s not a bad life and I’m still working towards the things I pictured. But I am very much a work in progress. I’m not finished with my goals, not by a long shot! I can see myself having to be a work in progress for the rest of my life and I’ve only just now thought of how that’s entirely okay. 

To me, being a work in progress means having new ideas and making changes in your life, because if you stay still for too long, that doesn’t necessarily make you complete, more likely just unfinished. And I don’t ever want to be unfinished.

I think that trying new things, travelling, working, exploring yourself and your life, all lead to self improvement and that’s progress in a positive direction. It’s progress that you can always work on and work towards. As long as I’m trying to achieve something, or better myself, I’m going to keep moving forward toward that feeling of “being complete”. Yet, I will never be complete until I decide that I am.

Life isn’t still - if it was, it’d be really boring - and so doing things and having goals is what makes life interesting. It’s what gives life life. With this idea, being a work in progress, being incomplete in your life’s journey is part of the fun. If we stress less about what hasn’t happened and instead see it as things to look forward to, things that are going to happen at some point, then life would be so much more fun. It would be an adventure.

So that’s the conclusion I’ve come to; I’m fine with being a work in progress until I decide that I’m done and that feeling of contentment and decision will be when I’m complete. That’s totally fine with me. It will be my choice and on my terms, without some imagined finish line that has to match anyone else’s.

I hope that you can join me in seeing life this way, with an excitement for the unfinished nature of life and all the adventures that are yet to come.

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #46 - Podcasts as a Pick-Me-Up

To anyone wanting to start their week on a high,

It’s Sunday and for me, Sundays vary from lazy days to hyper-productive organisation days. The one thing that I can always find in my Sunday routine is listening to a podcast, or three.

Podcasts have become my recent obsession, especially the really chatty informal kind. They’re such easy listening and it can feel like I’m consuming knowledge without actually having to do anything. I can actually multitask and there’s this feeling of productivity throughout.

So here are a few of my favourites.

Love stories with Dolly Alderton

Now this podcast, by writer and journalist Dolly Alderton, is amazing! She interviews guests about the loves that made them who they are. Each episode has the same standard questions but Dolly has such a knack for getting deeper into the story of each guest. She dives right into their lives and finds such interesting stories and meaning within those stories. One of my favourite episodes is the very first one, with actress Vanessa Kirby. The two were university friends and that is exactly what t sounds like. A friendly chat and a catch up. It’s the best thing to listen to with a cup of tea at the end the day.

Ctrl, Alt, Delete - Emma Gannon

Now I don’t think there’s anyone who hasn’t heard of Emma Gannon’s podcast, which stemmed in a book of the same name. She discusses the work that her guests do and how they navigate social media in this technological age. It’s the kind of podcast that pumps you up to do something after listening to it. They have such intelligent, considered conversations about creative work and the various industries that the guest are in. She had great guest as well, from Elizabeth Gilbert, to Ava Duverney and Lena Dunham. As someone who wants to write for a living at some point, it’s such a fantastic way to devour any and all knowledge these guests have to impart about their own experiences.

Armchair Expert - Dax Shepard

So this podcast is one that I just happened upon, in my love of Kristen Bell and all that she does. This is her husband, Dax Shepard’s podcast. Again, with great guests! This has made the list for what it stands for. He interviews people about their “why”. Why did you get into this career? Why did your personality develop this way? Why did you choose this path? He’s so interested in getting to the bottom of the human condition and of gaining a deep understanding of his guests. After each episodes, I genuinely feel slightly more emotionally intelligent. And that’s never a bad thing! 

One Girl Band

This is a super helpful podcast, with a mix of shorter discussions on a topic, surrounding creativity, being in a creative industry and freelancing, and longer guest orientated discussions. The founder is Lola Hoad, who has created a space for female entrepreneurs and creatives to support each other. It's literally a pep talk! I like that there is that variety, because I won’t always have the time to listen to a full 50+ minutes podcast but the shorter 20 minute ones are perfect for when I need a boost of motivation or to get some inspiration. The discussions tend to be about working from home and the struggles and joys of such work. The guests are usually bloggers or people who work social media related industries, so it’s a really useful and informative podcast, where I come away learning a lot.


These are just a tiny handful of the amazing content out there, so even if none of these take your fancy, go and search for some podcasts that you will love. And it can take a while to warm up to it, if you’re not someone who likes having to focus on sound without a video attached to it! But if can lead to some really valuable content and if not, there’s plenty of podcasts that are much more story focused and episodic.

Now excuse me, while I go and catch up on the latest episode of Love Stories.

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #45 - Meditation Can Be An Escape

To anyone who needs a break from their own thoughts,

Meditation is such a big thing and has been gaining traction for years, since it’s such a valid strategy for combatting certain types of stress and managing the more overwhelming parts of life. Over the past two years, I’ve given meditation a try; first unsuccessfully and then I got to work in my favour. I found sticking to a routine of daily meditation was not for me, but when I tried to use it as and when I felt I needed it, the whole practice worked so much better.

For me, it wasn’t too much of a stretch to try something that cleared my mind, as I always found a similar sense of quiet with yoga and that’s something I’ve been doing for years. I did find that quiet and meditation are not necessarily the same. I had misconceptions of what exactly meditation meant. At the time, my mind wandered to ideas of monks atop mountains, feeling at one with the air around them. It was just the ‘feeling at one’ part that was slightly close to the truth.

The first app I used to learn more and have a guided experience was Headspace, and I feel like that was one of the first apps of its kind, at the time. I remember finding the man who guided the sessions to have a really soothing voice, but I would always end up sleepy before the end. Eventually I gave up on it.

But then I tried again. This time has been more successful because I didn’t feel restricted to an order or having to practice meditation daily. That’s mainly due to the apps I use now.

Oak

This app was the one that started me back up on the journey to meditation again. It is the best, simply for being so simple! It has two main methods of meditation: guided and unguided. For both settings, you can choose silence or some sort of background sound, from rainfall to white noise. This is great, if like me, you need something to suit your mood, and have a change from time to time.

Another feature that is my absolute favourite, is the different breathing exercises they have, complete with images that prompt you as to when to breathe in and out. If you’re one to get a bit overwhelmed at times, these can be an on the go lifesaver.

Smiling Mind

This one is a fairly new app for me, but I really like that it has guided meditation sessions based on factors like age, working life and what you need to get out of it. They have some fantastic, focused sets for young people around 11-12 years old all the way to those at 18-19. I like these sessions for the times when I need something more focused and if there’s something specific that I want to work on.

Reflectly

This final app isn’t a meditation app but I found it to work so well as a journal alongside the meditation. It has helped so much with daily mindfulness as it is simply a journal where you recount what made your day good/bad and why. It allows me to really think and get inside my own head. 

The best part about it is that once you’ve input 7 entries, it begins a log of how you answered; it shows you how many good, bad and meh days you had in that week, or over a month. This can be so helpful for recognising how you’re feeling and making sense of your emotions for yourself. It’s a great little nugget of insider info for you to use on yourself.

With practice, and trial and error, I’ve found that it really just comes down to individual choice. But I will say this, meditation can be difficult in the beginning and it can feel like it’s not working, but just stick at it for a little while longer than you feel you should and hopefully you can see the good it can do.

In a world that can get considerable busy at times, it is almost essential to find time for some stillness, even just 5 minutes of it.

Give it a try this weekend, and see if it’s for you. All the apps are free anyway!

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #44 - Kindness is Taught

To literally everyone...ever,

Being a decent person seems like a given. We all think of it as something that is innate and simple and understandable to everyone. I always thought so. I wish that was the case. But I have observed so many moments, where people who I have witnessed being kind, good people, have surprised me with such specific cruelty that I've had to do a double take.

It's led me to the conclusion that ultimately kindness has to be taught and in turn, rude and disrespectful behaviour is also taught and learned. I don't think I'm saying anything groundbreaking here but I feel like saying it might make any who read this stop and assess themselves. I'm not thinking of a particular person or situation but just decency as a whole. 

I remember having a discussion with some friends long ago, and we were complaining about house chores for some reason that escapes me and then someone said they would just hire a maid to deal with whatever mess they made. Another friend then replied that they agreed with the idea of hiring help, but "I'd want them to be a part of the family. I wouldn't want them to do anything that I wouldn't dare do myself. You've got to remember that whoever you may hire will be someone's parent, child, or sibling. I'd want to treat them with the same respect I'd want someone to give to my family." That is the kind of decency I'm talking about. After that one conversation, I did not think I could have more respect for that person and yet it grew.

We all hope and try to be good people. I don't ever want to be in such a cynical place that I believe people are innately bad, first and foremost. However, I think that those moments where you're having a bad day or something has gone wrong and you still hold back from taking it out on another person, those are the moments we should aspire to. Those should be our defining qualities.

I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I try to see things from their point of view. Why are they like that? What made them into that person? I can totally understand that sometimes people are a product of their environments and that a harsh atmosphere can breed a harsher individual.

But the part that grates me is that the actions of such an individual can take a toll on those around them. They can hurt people with their words and actions and I feel like hurt sticks around a whole while longer than anger or frustration or any number of things that caused their harshness.

So if I hope for one thing today, it’s that we hold on to the kindest parts that we can be, because it might just be the thing that makes or breaks someone’s day. I think it’s a worthwhile reminder to have.

Until next time, be inspired...

Z