Letter #30 - Instant gratification is so frustrating!

Dear readers,

I stumbled upon a realisation recently and it made me so incredibly sad that I had to write about it. I realised that I hadn't read an actual book, aside from university material, for well over a year. I'll give you a moment to let that sink in and then you can absolutely judge me for it. I'm totally judging myself right now. A year! That's a really long time.

It's not even as though I didn't think about reading. I bought at least 9 new books in that time; I just never read them. They sit on a bookcase right now gathering dust. And I am so saddened by that fact.

I couldn't figure it out at first, but then I did. I had replaced reading with watching. I had replaced books with Netflix. And it wasn't even a conscious decision. One day I just came to prefer the act of mindlessly watching a screen.

Now I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with that but it's very unlike me so it got me thinking about why. Why did I suddenly lose interest in books?

I remember when it first became a "hobby" if you can even call it that. I was at university and I had time on my hands but I also had research to read and a dissertation to write and suddenly reading some more wasn't really a priority. I was reading because I had to, it was part of my degree.

It also became an excuse for being "social". Everyone who knows me, knows that I'm an introvert in every way possible. People exhaust me when it's a case of socialising for leisure. If I have to interact for work or because it is necessary for some reason then I'm fine with it, but interacting for my own benefit is not something I always enjoy. I keep a very small circle of friends and all of my friend are close friends. I don't have the energy for acquaintances. But I also don't want to avoid my friends and in an environment like university where you see the same people day after day, you almost have to social or risk isolating yourself.

So Netflix became my saving grace. We could get together in groups and debate what to watch. It would be social but for the most part, I could sit and watch a movie or start a TV series and it could still count as a activity. And then I would head back to my room, exhausted from my efforts and focus on work again. Reading never came up as an option.

I love stories as I have stated so many times previously. Watching television shows is in essence similar to reading a book in this respect. There is an overreaching interest in the story being told and as such, I got my fix of storytelling. But it made me impatient.

I think that the way in which we live nowadays has conditioned us for instant gratification. Whatever we want, we can do or receive right now. If I want to order a product, amazon prime will get it to be bright and early tomorrow. If I want to figure out how to play Quidditch, I can find a YouTube tutorial or google it and find multiple shortcuts and hack that will make it quicker and easier to understand. Everything you could want is at the tap of a button. It's made us lazy. Sure, it's convenient when it comes to finding answers and yes, it is a useful tool that is helping the world to progress. But it does make us lazy, or at least me.

The same goes for my relationship with storytelling. It used to be that I would read a book and immerse myself in the intricacies of the story. I'm not the fastest reader so it would take a few days to finish most books. I would have to wait to find out the answers I craved. With the option of Netflix or other streaming services, I don't have to wait. I can binge watch an entire season of a show and I don't have to wait to find out what happens next. It's satisfying to know that I can get through so many more stories in the same time frame as one book.

With that however, comes this lack of interest. I have recently found myself scrolling through Instagram or checking my messages while "watching". I'm not invested in the stories enough to even put down my phone and that is when I know it's a problem.

For me, stories are important and I like to think I learn from them. The well written ones, be they books or screen based, draw you in and don't let you go. But you have to let them. So I'm going to start to let them. 

I'm going to set out times where I have to read even if it takes longer to figure out the story, and to know the characters. I'm not going to skip ahead of pages or skim. I'm going to take in every word and every sentence. I'm going to get interested again and then maybe, I can get back into my favourite tv shows without getting lazy in return.

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z 

Letter #29 - What you know is up to you!

To anyone who is reading this,

I've been wracking my brains, forcing myself to produce content and I've hit a roadblock. There was a never a goal for this blog; I never had a plan as to how I would approach this task. I just wanted to write. And I enjoy writing and it's my favourite pastime but a lot of what I write is the just random internal musings. Before this blog, I had two novel ideas on the go and then I lost faith in my ability to write well enough.

This blog was supposed to be a place for me to keep writing without the pressure of having a finished product. Those novels are currently sitting gathering dust but I never forget about them. A huge part of why I stopped developing them was that I felt that I was too young. Too inexperienced. Couldn't possibly perceive the world. And I do see that when I read back over work that I wrote when I was 16 years old. But I also see a lot of insight and understanding about things that I hadn't experienced at the time.

It was always the phrase "write what you know" that got to me and allowed me to falter when I should have pushed on. I felt that the things that I "knew" where not interesting enough to write about and to create a story from. But then what do any of us know?

If we can only know what we have experienced then there is a lot that I shouldn't know and neither should you. But I think it comes down to the type of person that you are. This is totally just my opinion by the way.

I feel like there are two types of people in the world. There are those who need to live out every action and essentially make the mistakes that they can the learn from. They're the people who need to touch flames to believe that they will be burnt. Then there are those that can understand an idea, to a certain extent of course, and develop an opinion through what they know of that idea. They can logically put two and two together and always get four. These people don't need to experience something to know that it will be bad for them or for the situation.

It may sound boring and tentative but I know that I'm part of the latter half. I think it makes me a realist, rather than a sceptic. I've always had a way of understanding more than I should have at the time. I think that's what people mean when they say that  someone is an old soul. It simply means that they know more than their age dictates.

If I think back, my opinions at 16 were definitely not perfect and they were very black and white, with no room for the grey area. But even then, I did understand that the grey area existed and was important to some people. I just didn't think I was one of them.

Now if I look at myself, I am very much a believer of the importance of circumstance surrounding situations and as such, I proactively live in the grey area, with much fewer definitive opinions. To some, that alone is enough to say that clearly experience has had an effect on me and I have matured. I'd say they were right and wrong all at the same time.

My capacity for understanding was exactly the same; I still understood situations with the same level of thought back then as I do know. The difference is only in the fact that my values have developed.

This is a really convoluted post but I was basically just saying that if you're a little stuck in life, figure out which type of person you are and from there, you can figure out a course of action. Try it and let me know if it works for you!

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z

Letter #28 - Broken characters

Dear readers,

As with many of my posts, I don't know if there's going to be a point to this, but bear with me, and I guess we'll see if this makes any sense or has any relevance to life.

I'm drawn to broken people. Not necessarily in life but in fiction, in the things I read, and watch and understand. I root for the awful characters; the ones who have nothing going for them and are meant to be hated and taken against. And maybe just the ones who are sad and angry and fearful.

I am fascinated by it. The brokenness of humanity. Those sad characters, with their misplaced emotions and harsh exterior. They are the ones that need understanding, and I think I like that fact. I want to understand what made a person who they are. Generally what I've noticed is that those deeper acts are what makes a character. I suppose that's where the phrase "character building" comes from. The hardships we face make us, and shape us into who we are.

I've found that as I've grown, I have displaced that interest into reality. I define people by their brokenness and their hardships. With my friends and family alike, I can put the sadness in a person's life first when I think of them. As such, I define them by the things that they would rather not be defined by. But in my mind, that is simply the way things are.

This focus on the negative gives me a greater hold on reality though. I choose to see the bad to remind myself that it is out there and it would be naive not to be wary of it. It also allows me to be more understanding in the way I address the person. If I get irritated or aggravated by someone close to me, I have two responses; lashing out and confrontation, or passive aggression until it is out of my system. Neither one of those are healthy for me nor for my relationships. But now, when I focus on their brokenness, I can calm myself with the fact that they have their own stuff going on. This fact reminds me that we are all flawed and prone to falling. It reminds me to be kind and to understand.

By focusing on the darkness in someone's life, I allow myself to give them the benefit of the doubt and as such, I feel closer and kinder towards them. All of this takes place in my mind before anyone has to be affected by my thinking and as such, everyone around me can carry on with their blissful reality of life and our relationships.

I can have healthy relationships with my family and friends because I can acknowledge them as a whole, warts and all. It truly is a beautiful experience and you should all try it.

This post itself, started from a place of negativity and irritation and now, surprise surprise, I feel great and more at peace. And as such, I feel better about myself as a person and my capacity for tolerance.

So here's my challenge to you; try it for yourself! Empathise with someone who you would rather argue with. See the brokenness in a character in a book and try to take that into your real life and see the variety of brokenness around you. I promise you the perspective will make you feel great. (By the way, how great of a word is brokenness? I love it!)

Until next time, be inspired...

Z

Letter #27 - Graduation -- An anticlimax

Dear readers,

I wasn't sure if I was going to write this, but since you're reading it, I guess I decided! 

If any of you are recent graduates or soon to be graduates, I am sure that the excitement of this event is well known to you. it has been for me too, hence the late arrival of this post.

Graduation, to most people, is a joyous event celebrating hard work and achievement. In the UK, I feel like it is an especially big deal given that it is our first official graduation since we don't have a high school counterpart, as is the case in other countries.

So I graduated a few weeks ago, and from the moment I handed in my dissertation, I was in this blissed out bubble of ease. Everything was fairies and rainbows and perfectly chilled. Until I had to officially move out of my flat and leave my friends and then graduate.

Now, the day itself was so incredibly hectic that you don't even register what happened until after the fact. Also, make plans with friends before the event so that you all know where to meet and what to do. I did not do this... And hence spent most of the time on my own searching for my friends like a loner. In 4 inch heels I might add. The horror! 

Another thing is that graduation is mostly for your family. No matter what else is getting on your nerves and no matter how bratty you want to be, just don't. Let them have a day to coddle you and be as embarrassing as they like, in their pride for you. They're just happy and proud and so they should be for having such an awesome child/sibling!

I'll say this however, three years of work amounted to a walk across a stage and as silly as it may sound if you haven't experienced it, it's the best walk you'll ever take. It's an "I did it" experience. You got past the stress, the drama, the late nights and the hopelessness and you survived to tell the tale.

If you're anything like me, you take like as a be all and end all affair and it really isn't that deep. But if it were, graduation certainly wouldn't be, and isn't, the be all and end all of life. It's a great task to achieve but it's not everything.

If you've read any of my other posts you'll know that I'm a worrier. That being the case, as soon as my exams were over, I couldn't help but think about what was next. I didn't think of graduation as an event, but rather as the end of an era. What would I do next? Where do I go from here?

I think that, our generation especially, has a harder time dealing with the uncertainty of life because we've grown up in a time when that uncertainty developed itself. Economic crises, lack of jobs and just the general discourse within the world has led to a sad state of affairs for us and yet we still persevere and find our joy. Whether you've gotten to that point or not, remember that the struggle is worth it.

It's an unnerving thought to have but one that many people, in their twenties, often go through. There's no such thing as a concrete plan and nor should you ever gamble on just one thing. That's a warning from experience. 

But that is not at all to say that you shouldn't give your all to your career or life plan or passion. You absolutely should! It's only through hard work that we can get to where we want to be. I'm just saying that if plans change, don't let it break your heart. Pick yourself up and start again. Maybe something better will come your way.

Anyway that's enough existential rambling from me. I only really wanted an excuse to put up my graduation photos...

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z

Letter #26 - The Flaws Within

Dear readers,

So I think I've mentioned before, that I am very careful speaking about religion in general, so as not to offend anyone or overstep from the limited knowledge I hold. But it's Ramadan again and my spiritual side wants to pop out so I don't think I should stop it.

For those that don't know, Ramadan is the ninth month of the Islamic calendar, which follows the lunar sightings, and as such, moves back by around 20 days each year. It is a month where Muslims around the world keep a daytime fast between sunrise and sunset, withholding from food and drink as well as abstaining for all manner of wrongdoings. So right now, Ramadan has fallen on the longest days that I myself have ever had to fast. Here in England, the fasts are around 18 hours long, given the long summer days.

It is my favourite time of year, however. It is a time for reflection, peace and humility. By emptying your stomach of food, you can instead focus on feeding your soul and practising your faith in any manner that you can.

I've found that a lot of people who may not necessarily practice actively during the rest of the year, seem to find themselves, or a better version of themselves during this month. I try to be one of them. And that fact is where this post stemmed from.

I try. But as a month of reflection, I've already reflected upon some stark realisations about myself and maybe these will apply to you or someone you know.

I'm not as great of a Muslim, or person for that matter, as I would like to be. I do try all year round to practice and I don't just mean by praying or reading. It's not always the tangible physical evidence that counts, although I do try there as well. I mean, I try to have good intentions, keep good thoughts, limit my anger and impatience, try not to be judgemental and so on. I feel that overall those acts from within help your soul as much as the fasting and the praying. I think that I do the best job that I can at those aspects, because they are traits that require reflection.

If I've been in a bad mood during the day and snapped unnecessarily at others, I'll reflect on that and try to prevent it happening again. If I've sworn at someone, I'll immediately regret it and as a result, I will try not to swear again. The reflection and improvement as a result, I feel comes quite easily to me.

It's the more tangible acts of worship that I seem to struggle with. It is said that during the month of Ramadan, the devil has no power over any of us. It is a month where we are protected, and yet people still sin or act in a way in which they would rather not. I think this just highlights the flaws within us. That we are all tainted by the world and by temptation and our own selfishness. These are all difficult things to rid ourselves of, but Ramadan is a time to try.

To me, Ramadan has that same renewing quality that a new year does. And in the same way, that I make resolutions for the new year, I make resolutions for Ramadan. I try to achieve more than I did the year before and build upon what I have already done and where I am spiritually.

Knowing yourself is a gift. Once you know, then that knowledge is yours to use and in doing so, actively work towards what and who you would like to be. 

Ramadan, it seems to me, is the best time to get to know yourself. It is a time without distraction, and excess and all the other white noise that filters into our lives. In this way, I find that it is the best time to figure out who you are and who you want to be.

It provides us with a whole month of opportunity. Every day is a new day to be better than you were yesterday and I think whether you are a Muslim or not, this is something that we can all benefit from. Who doesn't want to improve upon their past selves or move forward to something better? That is all that Ramadan is; a chance to be better, a chance to find your potential and embrace it.

So when you get disheartened, or feel like your efforts are not enough, just remember there's always tomorrow and there's always another chance. Take it and make use of it to the fullest extent of your being.

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z

Letter #25 - Organised education

Dear all,

I've realised that I'm done. I am done with education. That is with organised education. I used to enjoy learning and knowing things and something would spark inside me whenever it came to figuring out an answer or knowing how to do something new. But I haven't felt like that for a long time. And I find myself almost grieving for that loss.

I find it so sad that it was through the act of wanting to learn that that light inside died out. It all became a battle to ace the next exam, smash out the next essay and suffer through a dissertation that I began to hate. I tried incredibly hard for something that has left me feeling inadequate still. I get my grades back soon and after that, I'll be told what degree classification I have achieved. It still won't be good enough.

It's probably silly to some, that I would give such power to something seemingly small but to me, I've always wanted to learn about the world and to know things. It feels to me like I've failed at that because surely I can't know enough if I've ended my three years thinking that I'm not cut out for it. 

It also doesn't help that I have no idea what to do next. I thought I did and I have some half-hearted plans but it's nothing that I can say with certainty that I am excited by. I had hoped that somewhere along these three years I would have had a magical eureka moment and suddenly know what I was meant for. Sadly that is not the case and I don't think it ever will be. So I have to trudge along and find something satisfactory for now in the hopes that it will lead to something better.

Academia is something that I have always strived for and I had dreams of completing a PhD at some point in my life. I wanted to be an academic and I thought that I would enjoy it. I had always enjoyed school but it all seemed downhill from there. It's the bureaucracy of the system that I can't stand. I wish that there wasn't so much emphasis on the grading system. Of course I can understand that it is needed, otherwise how would anyone know the standard to which they need to strive. And that may be understandable but I don't have to like it.

It's always been a case of learning to sit an exam, learning to pass a test or a lesson, but never a case of learning just because! I love science in all its forms; I am fascinated by the many complex facets of the human condition and the make up of the world and humanity within it. I hope that one day I can find a way of continuing my education and broadening my knowledge beyond where it stands now.

I don't think there is anyone to blame for my feeling this way, however I don't believe that society is entirely blameless. I have always been told that in order to progress in life, you had to follow the necessary steps - pass your exams, finish school, get your A Levels, go to university, get a first class degree, get a job, get married, have kids and then be happy. How sad is it for happiness to have been at the end of that list? Life is far too short to have to wait all those years to be happy with your life and where you are in life. 

This internal struggle of mine is clearly something I have to work through and I suppose this is me taking my first steps towards laying it to rest.

To any prospective students, or anyone who is in education right now, this is only my opinion at this moment in time, but that does not at all negate my love for education and for its importance. Going to university had been one of the best experiences of my life and I wouldn't take it back for anything. 

I think I'm just always striving for a perfection that I will never be able to achieve. At the end of the day, I need to come to terms with this feeling all on my own and in my own time. I just sincerely hope that that time is soon, because I would hate to resent education for too long. 

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z

Letter #24 - To my momma

Dear readers,

It's been a busy few days for fantastic women! In the UK, it was Mother's Day on Sunday and now today, it is International Women's Day.

So I thought I'd mark the occasion by celebrating the best woman I know; my mum.

She has to be one of the most self-assured, contented people I have ever met in my life, and I have always looked up to her, even in times when she would rather I didn't. To me she will always be a mum first, but she is so much more than that; an athlete, a warrior, a wife, a daughter, an accountant, a fervent follower of politics, and an aspiring rocket scientist!

My mum is my ultimate best friend and I would not have it any other way. She is, to me, the epitome of a strong, independent woman. In a time and culture where woman's marriages were more important than their education and careers, she refused to accept that as fact, and married only as and when she chose to. She was strong and confident just because.

She is just a good person; that's a pretty vague statement, I know, but she is. She's taught me so much, that as I grow older all I wish for is to be even half the person that she is now.

I feel I should really share everything that I have learnt from her.

She has taught me...

1. To be forgiving - you never know what someone is going through and why they are the way that they are so let them off the hook every now and then.

2. To be kind, BUT not taken advantage of - life is for you to live and you can judge the times when kindness is really needed, over the times when a tougher stance is required.

3. To laugh - she has always been forever smiling, even through the hardest days of her life. She hates more than anything the fact that people restrict themselves of the joy to laugh, loudly and energetically.

4. Not to conform - "you are you and that is better than anything else you could be", my mum to me, in my insecure moments.

5. Not to apologise for having an opinion - she has never allowed herself to be hushed, and loves to interact in a barrage of noise and bustle where people are learning and sharing thoughts and discussion.

6. That anger/bitterness burns at your soul - no one and nothing is worth that loss so, darling, let it go!

7. To appreciate a good eyebrow - you need to not worry about anything else if your eyebrows are full and framing your face.

8. That you should never leave the house without a swipe of lippy and a smile - it brightens your face and hides your troubles. No one else should have to know when you're not at your best and problems are dealt with more dignity when only those who need to know, do know.

9. Always acknowledge your good features - she never once told me I was pretty or lovely, without qualifying that with mention to a specific feature, and I'm so grateful for that. She allowed me to see the good things, without dwelling on the parts of myself that I didn't really like as much.

10. To take care of my skin - she made sure moisturising and cleansing were a priority for me from day one. She said to always massage the moisturiser into your face upwards to stop sagging skin!

11. That home cooking is about heritage - I'm still a hopeless cook but she taught me to appreciate the culture behind all food and to know my own culture through the food specific to it. Persian biriyani anyone?

12. To never skip breakfast - if you want to have a good day, why start it hungry?

12. To read - to read openly and widely, and just to learn about the world and humanity and history and politics in any way that I am happy with. To read is to never be left alone, for you are sharing in the experiences of others.

This is only a handful of the things that she has taught me and I'm sure she will continue to teach me much more. Basically, she's amazing and I hope she reads this and knows just how loved she is. 

It is International Women's Day today, and the current tag line is #onedayiwill.  One day I will be as confident and assured as my mum.

My momma's a badass, and so is yours! So let me know what it is that your mother or any other women in your lives have taught you.

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z