Letter #25 - Organised education

Dear all,

I've realised that I'm done. I am done with education. That is with organised education. I used to enjoy learning and knowing things and something would spark inside me whenever it came to figuring out an answer or knowing how to do something new. But I haven't felt like that for a long time. And I find myself almost grieving for that loss.

I find it so sad that it was through the act of wanting to learn that that light inside died out. It all became a battle to ace the next exam, smash out the next essay and suffer through a dissertation that I began to hate. I tried incredibly hard for something that has left me feeling inadequate still. I get my grades back soon and after that, I'll be told what degree classification I have achieved. It still won't be good enough.

It's probably silly to some, that I would give such power to something seemingly small but to me, I've always wanted to learn about the world and to know things. It feels to me like I've failed at that because surely I can't know enough if I've ended my three years thinking that I'm not cut out for it. 

It also doesn't help that I have no idea what to do next. I thought I did and I have some half-hearted plans but it's nothing that I can say with certainty that I am excited by. I had hoped that somewhere along these three years I would have had a magical eureka moment and suddenly know what I was meant for. Sadly that is not the case and I don't think it ever will be. So I have to trudge along and find something satisfactory for now in the hopes that it will lead to something better.

Academia is something that I have always strived for and I had dreams of completing a PhD at some point in my life. I wanted to be an academic and I thought that I would enjoy it. I had always enjoyed school but it all seemed downhill from there. It's the bureaucracy of the system that I can't stand. I wish that there wasn't so much emphasis on the grading system. Of course I can understand that it is needed, otherwise how would anyone know the standard to which they need to strive. And that may be understandable but I don't have to like it.

It's always been a case of learning to sit an exam, learning to pass a test or a lesson, but never a case of learning just because! I love science in all its forms; I am fascinated by the many complex facets of the human condition and the make up of the world and humanity within it. I hope that one day I can find a way of continuing my education and broadening my knowledge beyond where it stands now.

I don't think there is anyone to blame for my feeling this way, however I don't believe that society is entirely blameless. I have always been told that in order to progress in life, you had to follow the necessary steps - pass your exams, finish school, get your A Levels, go to university, get a first class degree, get a job, get married, have kids and then be happy. How sad is it for happiness to have been at the end of that list? Life is far too short to have to wait all those years to be happy with your life and where you are in life. 

This internal struggle of mine is clearly something I have to work through and I suppose this is me taking my first steps towards laying it to rest.

To any prospective students, or anyone who is in education right now, this is only my opinion at this moment in time, but that does not at all negate my love for education and for its importance. Going to university had been one of the best experiences of my life and I wouldn't take it back for anything. 

I think I'm just always striving for a perfection that I will never be able to achieve. At the end of the day, I need to come to terms with this feeling all on my own and in my own time. I just sincerely hope that that time is soon, because I would hate to resent education for too long. 

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z