Letter #41 - Taking a Moment for Positivity

To anyone who takes the time to read,

I've been absent from this site for far longer than I planned and I can't really explain it other than to say I had to go through a bit of a mindset adjustment.

I went from a place of pathetic wallowing for the first half of last year to then finding a kind of “peace” from which amazing things happened. Like bucket list things! Okay, maybe just one thing... but that’s one more than there would have been, had I not had a change to my thinking.

If I’m honest, I love a pity party at times. There’s moments where it is absolutely allowed, when things just categorically suck, but then sometimes it’s really not as bad as you think. This blog was never meant to be a place for my negativity but instead a way for accountability and growing out of such feelings. Easier said than done, clearly.

I can only assume that that past year was my “quarter life crisis”, my ungrateful millennial phase, but I don't know if it was. I know that at some point, I got tired before my time. I got tired of trying and putting everything in to my ideas and dreams and whimsies. I got tired and I got afraid. (I can literally hear your eye rolling, but bear with me!) But beyond the fear and the apathy, was a deep need to accomplish. But it was also not something that seemed to come into existence in the way in which I had hoped it would.

So all I could do was figure out a change that needed to be made or remain stagnant. I chose change. 

I remember being younger, and asked if I was an optimist or a pessimist. Without even taking a moment to think, I blurted out “pessimist”, to the surprise of my teachers. A 10 year old is not meant to be pessimistic, it seemed. But for years, I said that it was just my nature. To worry and plan and hold my breath for the moment things went wrong. Because to me, the glass was always half empty and I was just waiting for everyone else to realise that. To say I was a worrier would be an understatement. 

I was always surprised when things would go my way, from good grades to things I was trying to achieve in my personal life. Because there was always a part of me that held my breath and went into everything thinking it wouldn’t work out.

But then when the disappointing thing happened last year, I expected it. I had a little cry and then I shrugged. Realistically I hadn’t expected it to happen. I was still holding my breath. Until my mum noticed that my negative thinking as always been a dark cloud over everything I do. That I have the potential to achieve the things I want, but that if I can’t believe it for myself then why should anyone else take a chance on me? 

It made sense but what could I do? It was just my nature. My mother did not agree. She thought positive thinking was all I needed to work on. I had never put much faith in that. How could simple imagination make things happen? It seemed wishy washy and not at all something I should take seriously.

Now let's just say, at that point, I would try anything. It’s not like my way had worked. 

So I gave it another shot, this time changing my mindset. Now, it’s not really as easy as simply snapping my fingers. I had to force the change. I had to become aware of my thoughts and my feelings, and make an active effort to correct them when they went back to their ways of “it won’t happen”, and “this is dumb”.

I found that meditation helped; starting each day with a calm mind and thinking that I can and I will accomplish my tasks for that day. And when meditation didn’t work, I prayed on it. Between the two practices, I had my bases covered and it did make a difference.

I was actually excited to see how things panned out, instead of hesitant and having an expectation of disappointment from the get go. I tried, and I reminded myself that even if it didn’t work, what did I really have to lose? I still had my health, my family and friend and my home. I would only be “behind” on my own schedule. In the grand scheme of things, it would be a blip, not an explosion. 

 As if on cue, things started working out. I finished projects that were 10 years old, I got back into enjoying things that I had convinced myself were pointless failures and I achieved my ultimate goal... but that’s a story for another day!

This was just a little catch up on how positivity can truly make a difference. Not a magical difference, but one that affects your personality and our thoughts and in turn, your actions. I was proved wrong; there is nothing wishy-washy about it. So give it a try if you’re not the most hopeful person, and if you are, keep on doing what you do.

Until next time, be inspired...

Z