Letter #30 - Instant gratification is so frustrating!

Dear readers,

I stumbled upon a realisation recently and it made me so incredibly sad that I had to write about it. I realised that I hadn't read an actual book, aside from university material, for well over a year. I'll give you a moment to let that sink in and then you can absolutely judge me for it. I'm totally judging myself right now. A year! That's a really long time.

It's not even as though I didn't think about reading. I bought at least 9 new books in that time; I just never read them. They sit on a bookcase right now gathering dust. And I am so saddened by that fact.

I couldn't figure it out at first, but then I did. I had replaced reading with watching. I had replaced books with Netflix. And it wasn't even a conscious decision. One day I just came to prefer the act of mindlessly watching a screen.

Now I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with that but it's very unlike me so it got me thinking about why. Why did I suddenly lose interest in books?

I remember when it first became a "hobby" if you can even call it that. I was at university and I had time on my hands but I also had research to read and a dissertation to write and suddenly reading some more wasn't really a priority. I was reading because I had to, it was part of my degree.

It also became an excuse for being "social". Everyone who knows me, knows that I'm an introvert in every way possible. People exhaust me when it's a case of socialising for leisure. If I have to interact for work or because it is necessary for some reason then I'm fine with it, but interacting for my own benefit is not something I always enjoy. I keep a very small circle of friends and all of my friend are close friends. I don't have the energy for acquaintances. But I also don't want to avoid my friends and in an environment like university where you see the same people day after day, you almost have to social or risk isolating yourself.

So Netflix became my saving grace. We could get together in groups and debate what to watch. It would be social but for the most part, I could sit and watch a movie or start a TV series and it could still count as a activity. And then I would head back to my room, exhausted from my efforts and focus on work again. Reading never came up as an option.

I love stories as I have stated so many times previously. Watching television shows is in essence similar to reading a book in this respect. There is an overreaching interest in the story being told and as such, I got my fix of storytelling. But it made me impatient.

I think that the way in which we live nowadays has conditioned us for instant gratification. Whatever we want, we can do or receive right now. If I want to order a product, amazon prime will get it to be bright and early tomorrow. If I want to figure out how to play Quidditch, I can find a YouTube tutorial or google it and find multiple shortcuts and hack that will make it quicker and easier to understand. Everything you could want is at the tap of a button. It's made us lazy. Sure, it's convenient when it comes to finding answers and yes, it is a useful tool that is helping the world to progress. But it does make us lazy, or at least me.

The same goes for my relationship with storytelling. It used to be that I would read a book and immerse myself in the intricacies of the story. I'm not the fastest reader so it would take a few days to finish most books. I would have to wait to find out the answers I craved. With the option of Netflix or other streaming services, I don't have to wait. I can binge watch an entire season of a show and I don't have to wait to find out what happens next. It's satisfying to know that I can get through so many more stories in the same time frame as one book.

With that however, comes this lack of interest. I have recently found myself scrolling through Instagram or checking my messages while "watching". I'm not invested in the stories enough to even put down my phone and that is when I know it's a problem.

For me, stories are important and I like to think I learn from them. The well written ones, be they books or screen based, draw you in and don't let you go. But you have to let them. So I'm going to start to let them. 

I'm going to set out times where I have to read even if it takes longer to figure out the story, and to know the characters. I'm not going to skip ahead of pages or skim. I'm going to take in every word and every sentence. I'm going to get interested again and then maybe, I can get back into my favourite tv shows without getting lazy in return.

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z 

Letter #29 - What you know is up to you!

To anyone who is reading this,

I've been wracking my brains, forcing myself to produce content and I've hit a roadblock. There was a never a goal for this blog; I never had a plan as to how I would approach this task. I just wanted to write. And I enjoy writing and it's my favourite pastime but a lot of what I write is the just random internal musings. Before this blog, I had two novel ideas on the go and then I lost faith in my ability to write well enough.

This blog was supposed to be a place for me to keep writing without the pressure of having a finished product. Those novels are currently sitting gathering dust but I never forget about them. A huge part of why I stopped developing them was that I felt that I was too young. Too inexperienced. Couldn't possibly perceive the world. And I do see that when I read back over work that I wrote when I was 16 years old. But I also see a lot of insight and understanding about things that I hadn't experienced at the time.

It was always the phrase "write what you know" that got to me and allowed me to falter when I should have pushed on. I felt that the things that I "knew" where not interesting enough to write about and to create a story from. But then what do any of us know?

If we can only know what we have experienced then there is a lot that I shouldn't know and neither should you. But I think it comes down to the type of person that you are. This is totally just my opinion by the way.

I feel like there are two types of people in the world. There are those who need to live out every action and essentially make the mistakes that they can the learn from. They're the people who need to touch flames to believe that they will be burnt. Then there are those that can understand an idea, to a certain extent of course, and develop an opinion through what they know of that idea. They can logically put two and two together and always get four. These people don't need to experience something to know that it will be bad for them or for the situation.

It may sound boring and tentative but I know that I'm part of the latter half. I think it makes me a realist, rather than a sceptic. I've always had a way of understanding more than I should have at the time. I think that's what people mean when they say that  someone is an old soul. It simply means that they know more than their age dictates.

If I think back, my opinions at 16 were definitely not perfect and they were very black and white, with no room for the grey area. But even then, I did understand that the grey area existed and was important to some people. I just didn't think I was one of them.

Now if I look at myself, I am very much a believer of the importance of circumstance surrounding situations and as such, I proactively live in the grey area, with much fewer definitive opinions. To some, that alone is enough to say that clearly experience has had an effect on me and I have matured. I'd say they were right and wrong all at the same time.

My capacity for understanding was exactly the same; I still understood situations with the same level of thought back then as I do know. The difference is only in the fact that my values have developed.

This is a really convoluted post but I was basically just saying that if you're a little stuck in life, figure out which type of person you are and from there, you can figure out a course of action. Try it and let me know if it works for you!

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z

Letter #28 - Broken characters

Dear readers,

As with many of my posts, I don't know if there's going to be a point to this, but bear with me, and I guess we'll see if this makes any sense or has any relevance to life.

I'm drawn to broken people. Not necessarily in life but in fiction, in the things I read, and watch and understand. I root for the awful characters; the ones who have nothing going for them and are meant to be hated and taken against. And maybe just the ones who are sad and angry and fearful.

I am fascinated by it. The brokenness of humanity. Those sad characters, with their misplaced emotions and harsh exterior. They are the ones that need understanding, and I think I like that fact. I want to understand what made a person who they are. Generally what I've noticed is that those deeper acts are what makes a character. I suppose that's where the phrase "character building" comes from. The hardships we face make us, and shape us into who we are.

I've found that as I've grown, I have displaced that interest into reality. I define people by their brokenness and their hardships. With my friends and family alike, I can put the sadness in a person's life first when I think of them. As such, I define them by the things that they would rather not be defined by. But in my mind, that is simply the way things are.

This focus on the negative gives me a greater hold on reality though. I choose to see the bad to remind myself that it is out there and it would be naive not to be wary of it. It also allows me to be more understanding in the way I address the person. If I get irritated or aggravated by someone close to me, I have two responses; lashing out and confrontation, or passive aggression until it is out of my system. Neither one of those are healthy for me nor for my relationships. But now, when I focus on their brokenness, I can calm myself with the fact that they have their own stuff going on. This fact reminds me that we are all flawed and prone to falling. It reminds me to be kind and to understand.

By focusing on the darkness in someone's life, I allow myself to give them the benefit of the doubt and as such, I feel closer and kinder towards them. All of this takes place in my mind before anyone has to be affected by my thinking and as such, everyone around me can carry on with their blissful reality of life and our relationships.

I can have healthy relationships with my family and friends because I can acknowledge them as a whole, warts and all. It truly is a beautiful experience and you should all try it.

This post itself, started from a place of negativity and irritation and now, surprise surprise, I feel great and more at peace. And as such, I feel better about myself as a person and my capacity for tolerance.

So here's my challenge to you; try it for yourself! Empathise with someone who you would rather argue with. See the brokenness in a character in a book and try to take that into your real life and see the variety of brokenness around you. I promise you the perspective will make you feel great. (By the way, how great of a word is brokenness? I love it!)

Until next time, be inspired...

Z