Letter #10 - Ambition is good!

Dear readers,

One Tree Hill has been and probably will always be one of my favourite ever TV series, up there with Gilmore Girls, Gossip Girl and Doctor Who. It's just good TV. It's not mindless; it has meaning and as odd as it may sound, it was always a show I found hope in. I've recently started re-watching old episodes and I've noticed how different I feel after watching an episode or two.

I have been struggling a lot recently with simply figuring out what I'm going to do. Uncertainty scares me as does failing in anything. As much as I know that failure is part and parcel with life, I still hate it. I hate that I don't feel strong enough to push past that sense of failure, of being wrong and making mistakes and that sometimes I just can't let go of the things that upset me.

Yet whenever I turn on my laptop and cosy up with another episode of my favourite shows, I feel safe. They remind me of things that I forget from time to time. A quote from the last episode of One Tree Hill is "ambition is good, wanting things is good, dreaming". It's an important point to make and one that I need constant reminding of. 

I've always been ambitious but terrified of it. Of trying and failing and it's taken me this long to realise that that was all that was wrong. I'm scared. There, I said it.

So in a bid to overcome that - or at least give it less power - I put pen to paper and did what I do best. I wrote a list. Every ambition or dream that I have ever seriously contemplated. I plucked everything out of my head and put it out in front of me. I rattled out a couple of pages of things I wanted to achieve. Both personally and professionally.

Now I could list some of my ambitions but like I said, the fear is still hanging around for now. I would rather not put it out onto the Internet for everyone to read, if in actual fact I end up never achieving a lot from my list.

But one thing I'm not afraid of is trying. I might try and fail but maybe, just maybe I could try and succeed. I could manage to cultivate a life that I'm proud of due to the work I put into it and into my achievements.

I think I'm writing this solely as a reminder for the times when I don't have the time to get sucked into a TV show. Life is unpredictable and full of challenges for all of us. I think we need to come to terms with that and rise to the challenges without being dragged down by the heaviness that comes alongside the things that we find difficult. Things can be hard and I may spend a lot of time over the next few years working really hard but if I keep focused and make sure I'm remembering my happiness amongst it all, I will be just fine.

Do you guys have any ambitions that scare you? How do you deal with it? 

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z

Letter #9 - Inspiration to Motivation

Dear readers,

So I've spent the last week wracking my brains for something to write, and then the week before that, wishing I could even care for writing. And in doing so, I've figured out what has been on my mind. Inspiration and motivation. The two, at first glance, may seem unconnected but really they are two of the most interconnected ideals. We need one for the other, even if we have yet to realise it.

As a fairly creative person, my head is always full of things I want to make and bring to life and yet I can never feel like I'm making sense of those ideas without 'Inspiration'. If you've read any of my posts ever, my final tag line is always "until next time, be inspired". It's important to me not to overlook the energy bursts that inspiration supply for us.

I don't know about everyone else, but I always crave it when I know it's not coming but never seem to harness it fast enough before its fleeting visit is over. I can spend whole days inspired and then sometimes, I can't even keep hold of it for half an hour.

And in searching for it, I've realised that sometimes it can be an excuse not to try. Since we're always chasing inspiration but rarely find it, we can give it a sense of fragility that is undeserving of it. Inspiration is almost now a crutch without which my motivation will stumble and fall.

And that's how they intertwine.

I've always found that when I feel inspired, I can do something about it. And I can mould that feeling into whatever I want from it. But as soon as the feeling is gone, lately so does the motivation to do anything. To work. To create.

I think that's a dangerous power that we can give to an ideal, at least it is for me. I lose all sense of meaning behind my work; whether it is university assignments, or this blog, or one of my novels, or a completely new idea. I just can't. And I think that is an awful place to be stuck. With a seeming desire to work but no motivation to follow through with what your mind and mouth are saying.

Even as I'm writing this out, I have to almost force it out, or else I would stop and just not upload. I think the need for inspiration can be healthy as long as it isn't all that is needed for you to do anything for yourself.

When I hold myself accountable for my work and the motivation behind it, then it takes away the chokehold that inspiration seems to have on my ideas and my energy.

So that's my take away from this past week - I'm going to make sure that I'm not held captive by inspiration, when sometimes all I'm lacking is the motivation to do good work. I'm going to try to recognise inspiration when it is important but not give it more value than I should.

Until next time, be inspired...

Love,

Z

Letter #8 - Ten ways to instantly feel better

Dear readers,

I've been in a much more melancholy mood than I usually am. With the stress of exams gone, I'm all of a sudden lost for what to do and honestly feeling slightly listless. From wanting to do something - anything - to make myself feel better, I found that I actually do have a go-to list of things that I do that, one way or another, make me feel better, even if just for a fleeting moment.

So here are ten things that I do to try to feel better or happier when I really don't even want to.

1. Get dressed up - I collect a lot of pretty, over the top dresses and outfits and I love to wear them when I'm in a slump. I don't know what it is about nice clothes or a favourite outfit but it makes me feel prettier and more confident and definitely more ready to take on the world.
2. Wear red lipstick - there is something so classic about a bright red lip that I absolutely adore. I love the history and glamour of the time that popularised red lipstick. I'm definitely not one for make-up but a red lip is something I cannot say no to.
3. A long hot shower - Normally I hate baths; I'm too impatient and get far too bored in them. But a hot shower is just the thing to wake me up and relieve tension. Its amazing how well some water can brighten my mood.
4. Paint my nails - Again, this is against the norm for me. Usually I hate the time it takes to do my nails properly and then maintaining them is another issue entirely. But when I need it, it always delivers to give me a boost. I think it comes down to the focus I put in to the task and the pretty end result that I get.
5. Light some candles - This one is more for the light than the smell, for me. Just a few flickering candles dotted around my desk always gives off a feeling of immense calm, especially when all I want to do is sit alone in a dark room, as bleak as that may sound.
6. Brush my hair - This is so therapeutic for me; when I was younger, my mother would brush my hair for 15 minutes straight very night to keep it healthy and doing this always brings back those lovely memories and just the simple feeling that everything is going to be all right in the end.
7. Baking - While I may not relish the scent of candles, I would pay good money to always have my home smelling of freshly baked goods. So any time that I feel sad or restless, I bake...cookies, cakes, pies, anything. And then I share them out. I mean, who doesn't love some cake?!
8. Watch a childhood movie - When all else fails, lounging around and watching a film is always a good bet. My go-to movies are anything Disney or if that fails, The Princess Bride. Now that is a film that I could watch over and over, and actually have done on my bad days.
9. Read a favourite book with a cup of tea - A good book can work wonders for helping me to find a little hope. But the tea is also a really important part of this; it warms me (I'm forever cold :/) and also is just so comforting to hold while I read. A good, worn, and well loved paperback is always my favourite kind of book to hold and get drawn into but recently I've been converted over to e-readers, simply for ease of use. But the tea is a must.
10. Write it all out - I just purge onto paper. I have tons of notebooks, one for every handbag, and I just write and write. Anything and everything that comes to mind. Sometimes just a to-do list, sometimes a motivational speech for myself, sometimes a new story idea. But always something. I find that purging all the listlessness and apathy from my mind helps me to start anew. 

So I know that none of those things were exactly earth-shattering, but sometimes I think it's the little things that can help. It may seem like these activities are only patching up the surface but at times that's the best kind. The superficial aspects of life can seep inside and have a bigger impact on us than we think and it's these happy reminders and feel good moments that can pull us out of our slump. And I just hope that if you're reading this, that you might find your own happiness inducing activities or try mine!

Until next time, be inspired...

Love,

Z

Letter #7 - Heartache

Dear readers,

So a lot has happened recently and I'm feeling overwhelmed again. I've made some of the best friends I'll ever have in the last 8 months and it was really really hard leaving them for the summer. I have never been one to get attached to anyone or anything; I never thought I had it in me. But apparently I was wrong.

I was also wrong about the concept of heartache. To me, heartache has always been this surreal over dramatised ideal; the stuff of Hollywood movies and romance novels. I think for once I can safely say that I was a tad naive about this.

While I always believed it to be a romanticised acknowledgement of pain and hurt, I only just experienced it for myself and I can say with certainty that it is an real as any other emotion. And it sucks!

I've spent 4 days feeling like my heart was in a vice grip, the fist of whom may as well belong to the Rock and his giant hands. It definitely hurts as much as I can imagine one of his punches would do.

Now it must sound as though I have been through some traumatic romantic ordeal but it's much simpler than that. The pain comes from missing people; namely my friends, the people who have become like family to me. And I imagine that if it hurts this much for friends, that a heartache of a romantic magnitude may just break me entirely. It's safe to say that I'm glad, that that isn't a concern for now.

Anyway, I just wanted to ramble about my naivety because it's not a feeling I've ever believed to apply to me and now it does. Funny how life drops things like that in your lap when you least expect it. I suppose I was due for a life lesson and I have definitely gotten one!

Let me know, if any of you have any stories to share on heartache and how to make it all okay again. Because I have yet to figure it all out.

Until next time, be inspired...

Love,

Z