Letter #19- Male role models

Dear readers,

This is a subject very close to my heart for so many reasons but mostly because I've seen both sides of it played out. I think having good male role models in our lives is especially important for women, as much as or even more so than men sometimes. That's a bold statement but bare with me while I gather my thoughts.

I'm sorry in advance if this makes little to no sense, but I'm a bit flustered even as I write this. It's a subject that does make me quite sad when I think about it for a prolonged period of time.

Most people will have their first male encounter or relationship with their father/grandfather/brother and so on.

I think that both sides of the coin have their benefits. I'm able to say that I've experienced those extremes. I have known men who have been good and wholesome and respectful and I've also witnessed the other side of that spectrum.  Those men who aren't all that good; they are short tempered, and aggressive or just plain horrible.

I've always had a difficult time understanding this trait in people. The bad side that we all possess. I could never understand how to relate that to the whole person, someone who can be good and kind when they aren't under pressure but then turn into the hulk when they were having a bad day. I'm sad to say that I possess that anger myself and I try really really hard to keep it under locks and be patient even when I don't really want to.

I feel like women who have had only wholesome, kind-hearted men in their lives - the sort who speak softly, who are kind and patient and well mannered - have the benefit of knowing the kind of man that they should surround themselves with later in life. These women find the good guys and they recognise the goodness in people. 

This does have its downfall however, as I've found that they can have an underlying naivety about people, due to never having experienced the bad. They can sometimes take what people tell them at face value and then find later down the line, that not everything is as it seems. They imagine the life that they have witnessed their parents to have and aim for it, sometimes with positive consequences and sometimes not so much. 

At the other end of the spectrum, you have the girls who witnessed the harsher realities. They saw their mothers going through something difficult or saw their uncles/brothers/relatives mistreating people, being harsh and angry more often than not and they hold onto that with dear life. That anger that began to grow in them, it isn't something that can be easily let go of and for that reason, they keep everyone at arms length, even if they don't see it like that. They know what they don't want to surround themselves with but they also know that people lie - men can lie - and they can hurt you if you let them. So they promise themselves that they will never let another have that much power over them. It lends itself to a lonelier but far more in control life. 

I don't really know where I'm going with this and if I do publish this, it will be raw and unedited because that's what I feel it needs. I want women to realise both ends of the spectrum, to be realistic but also open to life. Not with their head in the clouds and their heart solely steering but not with their heart locked away and only logic persevering. I feel that we, as women, should find that balance in order to create and curate our best possible lives.

If we think less in terms of the men we want to steer towards or avoid, and more about what influences we need in our lives, both men and women, we can have it all. And yes, I hear my own naivety there! 

It just seems to me that things are always more complex when you scratch beneath the surface. But sometimes that complexity is what we need to sift through in order to grow and learn about ourselves and the others in our lives. 

For me at least, I need to analyse people, especially their motives and reasoning about why they live their lives the way that they do. It allows me some comfort; the knowledge that I can try to understand people and the changes and growth we all go through. 

But ultimately, girls, be the leader in your own lives. Don't disregard those in your life but don't feel the need to change for them either. Just be you and be the best version of you that you can be. And if you think you're not there yet, work like hell to get there. I promise the journey and the destination will reap its own rewards.

Until next time, be inspired...

Love, Z